the college boy

he's leaving tomorrow, and i think im still in some sort of denial. i'd just keep busy until he comes back next weekend. i keep telling myself its alright its only an hour away, but it seems like so much more. im so scared for the future because its really up in the air. i know that now, i love you, and i wish that could change everything. i want everything to be simple again. i don't know if last night was the last time we'd ever be the same, i've changed everything in the last year and just now i started getting comfortable again. you seem to be the only thing that gets me out of bed anymore.

i was really sad today. i had to hold myself back from crying in almost every class, and the nerves and anticipation of doing my monologue in drama completely contributed to my adrenaline making me want to run out and cry in the middle of it rather than speed through it and get it done. i was under so much stress just from the morning that i forgot almost every line and started making up shit towards the end. on top of all that, my teacher told me my character was boring and depressing, i guess thats just how my mood is summed up today.

my mom texted me first period telling me that Mikey rolled his jeep 8 times and had definately broken his back, they we're waiting for him to wake up. Mikey's known me since before i was born, he's my uncle's best friend, and my grandparents consider him a brother to all of us. so many people we know have died this month and i can feel it starting to bring me down, im more frightened of death than being homeless, although that might equal out the same when you think about it. i even skipped out on the funerals because i didnt want to be near a casket, i hate them. death is so permanent, my life is constantly changing. since my family left for new mexico last week its just been my dad and I, and i feel like they've died, its so quiet around here now, i miss them i miss them so much.

i've gotten myself two therapists, their names are Ben and Jerry(s). oh chunky monkey how you soothe me.

as much as i could drown these sorrows, i just want to fall asleep.