The Sacrifices

I sacrificed a good chunk of sleep to do the girlfriend thing and go to Josh's show. I had work at 6:30 am, I was good and tired all day but it was definately worth it. He played with Soul Control, which were amazing by the way, I felt bad because Portland didn't really show them much love. There were like 10 people there by the time they played, 11 o'clock on a Tuesday doesn't really draw much of an audience in this city. I haven't really been here that long but the music scene for punk and hardcore isn't as big as I thought it was. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places. I did see Vitamin X a few months ago and good enough crowd showed up for that, and also Have Heart, Verse, Ceremony, and Blacklisted packed a good crowd. Anyways, good night, good people, good show.

The Bubble

I think I've invaded Josh's bubble too much lately, so I'm taking a few days off from bothering him. It sucks because I want to see him but I know that in a few days it'll be worth it. It's like were practically living together, and I guess I can't handle it.


What a bummer.

The Work Ditch

Burnt out on work, took a day off to sit around and watch Weeds and
Pineapple Express. I've felt all disoriented since yesterday, I think my
brain is going out.

The Braille and the Ice Cream Sandwiches

did it.

and i also made oatmeal cookie ice cream sandwiches covered in chocolate. It's the closest thing I'm getting to an It's-it in oregon.

The End of the Longest Week

Worked 6 days in a row, almost quit, drama drama drama. I'm focusing on
this new thing where I leave work at work, it's definately working
wonders.

Josh is the greatest boyfriend in the whole world. He rubs anti-ringworm
stuff on me, helps me not be so fucking angry, and doesn't beat the shit
out of me while sleeping. Leaving work at work and behing with Josh at
home is a new feeling of whole happiness I haven't experience in a long
time.

The Burning Skin

My skin is burning for two reasons.

1. I still have ringworm that I contracted from cuddling with the kittens. See what I get for loving my animals?
2. People who turn into huge self-centered pieces of shit.

For some reason I still feel the need to hide things from you that make me who I am, regardless of your beliefs and the morals you follow. But I also feel a sense of freedom, like a fuck-you-I-do-what-I-want-with-my-own-liver-and-lungs, sense of freedom. I can't believe I let someone control me that way.

I want to get this message tattooed on me next, it says "don't panic" written in braille. No one else but me and blind people will know what it means. It's significant because my anxiety and anger is not something other people can see, but only something i can feel. I would want it someplace where I can look at it when I feel the need, like my wrist, but at this point in my life I don't think a job-stopper would be a wise decision.

The Past Few Days and The Future

Since Josh has been home things haven't gotten any easier around here. My work has fucked me in so many ways throughout the last few weeks I mentally and physically can not handle it. Having him home makes things easier but our shitty stressful jobs are keeping us apart. One of the kittens gave me ringworm, so I'm dealing with that shit now. Both of them have fleas and I don't have any money to take them to the vet.

We went to Seattle last night, Josh played a show with his band Unrestrained and it was a pretty good turn out for how tiny the venue was, and also because it was snowing cats and fucking dogs. We didn't get home until 4am, we made the mistake of not charging our phones and had my mom and grandma worried about where we were. I came home to a big blow out with my Grandpa, so I'm guessing I won't be home for a few days. I'm glad I have this option.

Josh and I have been talking about moving back to his home town in New York after I finish pastry school this coming summer, it gives us 7 or 8 months to save enough money. I want to get out of here and experience new things, I think it'll be good for me.

The Questionable Information

Let me start by saying that it blows my mind how fucking shitty people can be. I don't give a fuck if it is you, her, or him at fault. One or more of you is a piece of shit. I'm afraid I'll never know the truth, i don't know who to believe I don't know which one of you to trust. Someday I'll learn when its the right time to be vulnerable, and when it's the right time to trust someone. Something tells me that there is never a right time to do either of those things.

The Displaced Day

I have felt so displaced from society today, here's a run through of
what went down.

-went to work at 7am
-got sick at 7:30am
-went home at 10:30am
-lied in bed from 11am until now 2:16am watching Weeds season 2 and
eating tortilla chips. I don't plan on moving anytime soon

The First Christmas

This year is my first Christmas away from my parents and siblings, needless to say it was sad. I had a panic attack all through dinner, it wasn't exactly my idea of "happy holidays." I miss my brother and sister so much it hurts, not being able to be there for them grow makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. I would give almost everything up to just go back home even for just a few days. Usually when I'm feeling down about missing home Josh is always there to keep me from crying, instead he is with his family and I should be happy for him.

I colored my hair back to brown, extensions are back in, I feel like myself again.

The Break

I dropped Josh and his roommate off at the airport for their flights back home to New York for the holidays. It's going to be weird with 8 whole days without him, he's really the only person I hang out with. I guess it'll give me a break to re-evaluate my life, celebrate Christmas, and blah blah. Sleeping has been difficult at my house, I don't expect it to be any easier now especially with Nyx and Gemma both in my tiny room until Josh gets back.

When it rains, it pours.

The Snow

The snow is blowing my mind. Last night I drove at around midnight to
meet up with Josh and I had to drive in this. I've been living in snow
all week, and he still hasn't shown me how to make a proper snow-person.
I'm pissed!

The Two Babies

The New Love

I got a kitten! Now this will not change my love for Nyx in any way shape or form, i just want to make that clear.

Her name is Gemma and she has 6 toes on each of her front paws.

The Lack of Interest

I stopped taking pictures, I stopped drawing, I stopped painting, I stopped caring. Most of the time I'm alone I spend it killing time until I have something scheduled to do, like work or more driving. I spend more time in my car during the week than I do sleeping, I hate it. And no matter how long I sleep I always feel like it's never enough. Something in my life is missing, I don't know what it is. All I know is that I have lost interest in everything I ever cared about, all I want is to be numb and not feel so much of this.

I've been here in Portland almost 4 months now, but I want to move on. I want to see other parts of the world, but unfortunately I have too much shit to do, too many responsibilities and not enough cash. I plan on fiercely kicking rocks out of this place after Baking school is over in July of next year. To where? Some place I've never been, some place i want to be. Boston? New York? Wisconsin? Atlanta? Canada?

The Wild I Will Never See

I watched Into the Wild again for the third time. No matter how many times I watch it I walk away feeling alone and afraid to be on my own. Although I'm living with my grandparents I live almost completely independently. I'm never home, I'm usually at work or at Josh's house, so I feel like I'm just wandering around until I feel sick enough to go back to my room and think too much about the things I'm afraid of. I will never be brave enough to burn all my money and leave everyone behind, just to find myself and my place in this life. There are a lot of things I do not know and a lot of things I will never know or understand, and one of them is complete happiness. I can't remember a time in my life thus far when I have been completely happy or even content with my current situation. There has always been something to worry about, something to be angry about, or something to cry about. At the rate I'm going at I don't know if I'll ever know what happiness feels like for more than a few hours.

Tonight is the first night I've been home since last Sunday night, i can't ever sleep here.

The New Tattoo part 3/Love for Henry Rollins

The Pamphlet

Really, don't leave me alone in a car for thirty minutes with this kind
of liter(ature) and a marker.

The Concentration

This morning I woke up at 12, drove Josh to work, went to work myself, got off at 7:00 and then came home. I'm trying to concentrate on getting my shit together. I do this about every 2 weeks just to put myself back together after days of not caring. I usually come home and dump all my crap on the floor, or go to Josh's and leave all my crap on his floor, and so today after work I decided to clean my room and reorganize my movies that I bought today. Thanks Hollywood Video for the awesome $3.99 sale!

I have to go pick Josh up from work later tonight around midnight, I hope I can stay awake. Usually when I'm too tired to pick him up I just turn up my music really loud in my car so I will be forced to stay awake. I have never felt so tired that I felt like falling asleep at the wheel, fuck that. Since tomorrow we both have the day off we're going to see Milk FINALLY!

I bought an Outbreak shirt just now for $6.00 because I feel the constant need to spend money.

Thanksgiving blew. Josh and Tim came over and made me feel less awkward around my family. We can't all get together anymore because of retarded drama, so I didn't get to spend what used to be my favorite holiday with my favorite family members. Josh made good pies and food while i slept, and then we went over to my Grandma's and had dinner. Awkward conversations, awkward memories of me when I was little, never bring your friends to Thanksgiving.

P.S. no matter how far away you are or how much we don't talk, i will still hate every girl you speak to and love the retarded shit out of you. I think we're moving on? What the fuck is that shit?

The Easy Update