The Tattoo pt. 5

Scott Harrison at Atlas Tattoo kicks so much ass it's ridiculous.

The Eating Habits

I have to drink peppermint tea at 2am because I am feeling so nauseous.
I've been eating so poorly ever since we got back from California. I
haven't been eating fast food either, at all! Josh just makes food that
is fucking delicious that also happens to be horrible for me. I always
feel sick to my stomach, sometimes really light-headed, and it's getting
really annoying.

Blerg, I hate and love food.

The Insider

I've been reading "Get In the Van" by Henry Rollins about his tours/life with Black Flag. I've also read "Smile, You're Traveling" by Mr. Rollins. Just by chance, Josh and I decided to watch "The New Guy" on netflix last night and Henry was in the movie as the prison warden! I was so weird to see him in a movie because I feel like I know him on a personal level after having a glimpse into his mind with all those journals he's published. I really look up to him as a writer and as a person, he's extremely courageous and intelligent.

Getting a black flag tattoo on the 25th. I feel like the bars have just been a trendy tattoo to have at shows these days, but I legitimately love them. The lyrics, Ginn's guitar sound, Keith Morris, Henry Rollins. So many great things have come out of that band.

I've been really frustrated with people telling me what to do and judging me lately. Whether it's my mom, or Josh, or Jake, or my Grandparents. I'm getting really exhausted. You all say you love me, so why won't you just let me be happy and stubborn?

My Dearest Joshua

when I feel like I've got nothing else, I've got you.

The Missing Posts

I've been posting constantly with pictures from my phone, but apparently they aren't making it here.

Shit has been rough the last couple of days. I quit my job, i got to that breaking point and I know that I have more options than that. I would rather be poor and happy than a little less poor and miserable.

Been having weird dreams that are really vivid every single night, some good and some bad. Received my tax return of 600 dollars, Josh and I decided to blow some of it on tattoos again. His is going to be more ridiculous than mine. We're going to Scott Harrison at Atlas Tattoo again, he has done great work on both of us before, so I'm looking forward to it.

Josh's parents are visiting from New York on Monday, I'm more scared than excited.

The New Deal

Everyday I think more and more about moving to New York, part of me is super excited and the other half is hesitant. It's really far away first of all, and the second thing I'm worried about is finding a job. I won't be able to take much with me so I'll have to sell a bunch of things. It wasn't until I moved to Portland did I realize how many childlike things I still own. I'm trying to grow up, I just don't want to.

I've been looking up things about Albany and it looks like it'd be a lot of fun to live there. Come September I'll be out of school, and it seems like this would be a step forward in my life.


The news around the house is that we'll be moving into a new place way earlier than we expected, March 15th instead of April 15th. I haven't even started packing yet!

The Relationship Shit

I'm getting really sick of the whole "you're wrong, I'm always right"
bullshit, really fucking fast. I hate relationships I hate being
involved in something I can't just walk away from and forget about.
Fuck people. All people.

The Spring Dress

It can also be worn in the rain....

The California Trip

Going back home was definately weird. We got a lot of stuff done, I ate the places i wanted to eat and Josh inhaled every thing I put in front of him. I seriously doubt if he chews his food sometimes.
It was really nice to see my family and finally see my brother and sister. I'll post pictures later.

I went to OCI today to take my English/Math test and I scored high enough to pass, so that's good news. The first day of school starts on April 10th and I couldn't be more excited. I get to get up every day and do something I'm passionate about, full time! Its like starting a new chapter in my life and yet another after school is over. I am so ready to start.

The Boyfriend Road Trip

The road trip to San Francisco with Josh is scheduled to take place on Thursday, which means I have tomorrow's full day to get everything ready while he's at work. Tonight after he gets out of work at midnight we have to go to Winco, which is this great employee owned grocery store in SE Portland that is really cheap and is also open 24-Hours. The only thing I hate about shopping there is that it's always full of people unless you go at 1 in the morning. It's so cheap though! They seriously sell all the Arizona teas for less than it says on the can. I usually stock up on them there.

Here's what I've got to do tomorrow.
-Go to an appointment at 10am that will take about 3 hours
-Drive Josh to work
-Drive back to my house
-Do the rest of my laundry
-Clean my room spotless, my grandparents are having an open house the weekend I'll be gone.
-Pack my bag
-Drive to Josh's house
-Get everything in the cooler
-Get all the stuff into the car.
-Pick Josh up from work.
-Get home around 1am

We leave the next morning at 8am. What a day tomorrow will be!

The Trust Shit

Being let down by someone i trusted with everything makes me wish i never trusted anyone in the first place, even you. The worst part is that I could never, even if I tried, hate you. And you know it.

People are such piles of shit.

The Excitement

In 58 minutes there will be only 9 days left until mine and Josh's trip to California. He got some extra time off so we're staying for 4 days now instead of 2, which is spectacular considering I was going to have to show him around San Francisco in only two days. The next couple days are going to feel like slowly climbing up the first drop of a roller coaster. I can't wait to see my sister, I literally will not physically be able to handle the happiness i will feel when i see my family. It seems like it's been longer than August.

6 more days until the remodel at work followed by 3 weeks of an unpaid and much enjoyed unemployment. I am only working 4 of those days, maybe three.

I can't believe I'm bringing Josh home to meet my family. It's so weird now that I don't live with my parents or anywhere remotely close to them, they have no idea how I live now. It's not too shabby, besides being extremely poor and unappreciated by 90% of the people I come in contact with on a daily basis, I'm a happy girl.

My new plugs are so heavy that when i bend down my earlobes hit my cheek, its really disgusting, but they are pretty. A very pretty pair of opalite double flared plugs.

The Doubtful Future

My hours have been cut in half at work and I'm getting 200 dollars less each paycheck now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to school and it's freaking me out. I can't find another job, and I couldn't handle working another job anyways.

i hate life, blah blah.

The Sacrifices

I sacrificed a good chunk of sleep to do the girlfriend thing and go to Josh's show. I had work at 6:30 am, I was good and tired all day but it was definately worth it. He played with Soul Control, which were amazing by the way, I felt bad because Portland didn't really show them much love. There were like 10 people there by the time they played, 11 o'clock on a Tuesday doesn't really draw much of an audience in this city. I haven't really been here that long but the music scene for punk and hardcore isn't as big as I thought it was. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places. I did see Vitamin X a few months ago and good enough crowd showed up for that, and also Have Heart, Verse, Ceremony, and Blacklisted packed a good crowd. Anyways, good night, good people, good show.

The Bubble

I think I've invaded Josh's bubble too much lately, so I'm taking a few days off from bothering him. It sucks because I want to see him but I know that in a few days it'll be worth it. It's like were practically living together, and I guess I can't handle it.


What a bummer.

The Work Ditch

Burnt out on work, took a day off to sit around and watch Weeds and
Pineapple Express. I've felt all disoriented since yesterday, I think my
brain is going out.

The Braille and the Ice Cream Sandwiches

did it.

and i also made oatmeal cookie ice cream sandwiches covered in chocolate. It's the closest thing I'm getting to an It's-it in oregon.

The End of the Longest Week

Worked 6 days in a row, almost quit, drama drama drama. I'm focusing on
this new thing where I leave work at work, it's definately working
wonders.

Josh is the greatest boyfriend in the whole world. He rubs anti-ringworm
stuff on me, helps me not be so fucking angry, and doesn't beat the shit
out of me while sleeping. Leaving work at work and behing with Josh at
home is a new feeling of whole happiness I haven't experience in a long
time.

The Burning Skin

My skin is burning for two reasons.

1. I still have ringworm that I contracted from cuddling with the kittens. See what I get for loving my animals?
2. People who turn into huge self-centered pieces of shit.

For some reason I still feel the need to hide things from you that make me who I am, regardless of your beliefs and the morals you follow. But I also feel a sense of freedom, like a fuck-you-I-do-what-I-want-with-my-own-liver-and-lungs, sense of freedom. I can't believe I let someone control me that way.

I want to get this message tattooed on me next, it says "don't panic" written in braille. No one else but me and blind people will know what it means. It's significant because my anxiety and anger is not something other people can see, but only something i can feel. I would want it someplace where I can look at it when I feel the need, like my wrist, but at this point in my life I don't think a job-stopper would be a wise decision.

The Past Few Days and The Future

Since Josh has been home things haven't gotten any easier around here. My work has fucked me in so many ways throughout the last few weeks I mentally and physically can not handle it. Having him home makes things easier but our shitty stressful jobs are keeping us apart. One of the kittens gave me ringworm, so I'm dealing with that shit now. Both of them have fleas and I don't have any money to take them to the vet.

We went to Seattle last night, Josh played a show with his band Unrestrained and it was a pretty good turn out for how tiny the venue was, and also because it was snowing cats and fucking dogs. We didn't get home until 4am, we made the mistake of not charging our phones and had my mom and grandma worried about where we were. I came home to a big blow out with my Grandpa, so I'm guessing I won't be home for a few days. I'm glad I have this option.

Josh and I have been talking about moving back to his home town in New York after I finish pastry school this coming summer, it gives us 7 or 8 months to save enough money. I want to get out of here and experience new things, I think it'll be good for me.