the rip off

green day sucks so bad, my hate for them has grown immensely in a matter of minutes.

i accidentally took a nap when i got home from Wondercon, i thought with 4 hours of sleep and walking around all day, i'd finally get my sleep schedule back to normal, but no.

It's supposed to rain for the next two days, but I don't mind, it gives me another excuse to stay inside.

I need to start looking for a job soon, because babysitting has slowed down a lot. I just don't want to go back to being at work and hating it. I loved working at Sanrio when Jenn was there, but it all went down hill after she left. I'd love to work at Ikea, but both the locations are so far from here. I've been seriously been considering going up to Portland after i graduate. I love San Francisco, but I can't handle Pacifica anymore. I'd have to go there as soon as i come back from Peru to start looking for a job and saving up some money so i won't mooch off my grandparents for too long. I still don't know what I'm going to do for school, if i give up on my art dreams, I think I'll go to cosmetology school. If you think about it, its a perfect job for me. You can have tattoos, wear whatever you want, and make your own hours. I'd be in school non stop for two years and then apprenticing for another 1 to 2. The hours are ridiculous from 9 in the morning until 5 at night, monday through saturday, I'd have no time to work. maybe i won't do this.

I have no idea how my mom went to school, held a job, and took care of me. I feel like such an asshole for resenting the way she is now.

The wondercon

I decided to go Wondercon, sort of last minute, with my friend Mike. We had a good time, walked around a bit, saw some cool costumes, and ran into a few friends. It was real rainy and cold, i picked a perfect day to wear a dress. When we got back to Daly City Bart, i saw this cart in the trash can, it baffled me!

Quote of the day:
"Do you guys collect anything? Toys or cars?"
"No, sorry."
"Guns or knives?"


Its been two weeks today, its getting easier and easier everyday, although some are harder than others.

I've been trying to give a shit about what i look like these days, i can't believe how much make up i used to wear.

"Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes
But it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And if I'm lucky, I guess, it's your roommate answering
But you're at the bar
Or at Gene's"-It's Cool We Can Still be Friends

the bad dreams

i hate having dreams about you when we're happy and still together, because when i wake up, for a split second, i think they're real. but i especially hate having dreams about you and someone else, because when i wake up, i know eventually it will be real. what i hate even more is having these two dreams in the same night, morphed into one.

my dreams are becoming more real every night. this morning i could actually sense being awake and dreaming at the same time. i also think like i would in real life. last night when i walked around the corner and found you kissing her, i turned away and cried, but you came running and said it meant nothing. Then i thought how horrible my next post on my blog would be. we were back together after that and at a music festival, and i thought how all my progress in getting over you now meant nothing. Always in my dreams, you look at me like you looked at me last summer, you have your long hair, and have your backpack on.

maybe i am living in both the dream world and reality at the same time? but thats not true, because at least my dreams will end and those memories will fade, i can never forget you, I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

edit:

6:03PM

Panic attack number 3, in the last three weeks. i thought it'd get considerably less scary with each coming episode, it doesn't.

The death

my dog didn't die, but a family friend did. i didn't know her but my pseudo grandma did very well. candace and I have talked about this before, the whole idea of someone being there and then not, is scary as hell. they gave her 6-12 months to live with her cancer, and in 2 days she was gone. death is the scariest thing im afraid of, and it makes me want to curl into a ball and lie here trying to avoid it.

i want to tell everyone i love that i love them right now, but i can't. i can't even speak.

the low point

I've hit an ultimate low in my life. I haven't done anything horrible, i didn't kill anybody and I'm not smoking meth. But emotionally, and mentally, i have been at a depression stand still. Yesterday i finally realized how i let everything pile up and never deal with it.

Everything has been really hard and dissapointing lately, with that whole situation, real college decisions, and my family. All of us are at a mental breaking point with each other and yesterday was just the icing on the cake. I had to leave the house to keep chaos from inssuing, i took my dog and crawled up the hill to a place where no one really goes, especially in the rain. I sat there for 30 minutes just crying and wondering why im still putting up with this. I wanted a way out, and there was only one way i could think of. Thinking seriously about that was something i never imagined i'd go through, I never thought i'd let my mind get to that point. I kept walking and thinking and listening to "An Attempt to Tip the Scales." I realized that leaving my sister and brother and my family behind would be selfish, and that if i can't get through this rough patch now, I'll never make it on my own. I don't want your sympathy and i don't want your pity. I just want you to realize that the shit I'm going through is taking a toll on me and I don't know how to deal with it. And it wasn't because of any boy or anyone in particular, it was just all of it. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for this song, I would be in worse shape, I would've never come back from that walk.

"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."


p.s. don't think im insane, i know you've all been through this too.

the ache

i have never been so bored in my life. something new needs to happen as soon as possible. my heart literally aches from all this recent activity. i want to get a job, but i can't for another two weeks because i won't pass the drug tests.

bad day bad day.

as much as i thought this was all over, its not. i still feel like shit inside at times. most of the day i'm alright, but of course my mind races thinking of what might happen next.

the truth is, im just tired. im so tired of all my days being rainy.

i watched the news last night and saw the videos of the cows being horribly mistreated, and broke my non-crying streak.

i need something to make me feel better, just anything. I hate that some people are going to take this as my weakness, because it truly is, and i dont want you all to know. Its impossible for me to make myself feel better. I don't need it in the form of a boyfriend or any relationship, just someone to tell me it will be alright, and take a walk with me.
i don't know whats happened to me, i feel like a child.

"and if i can't make myself feel better,
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?"

the lost relationship

thinking about hawaii now is the wierdest thing.

i can't believe matt and jazmyn are back together. it baffles me because i havent talked to matt in a good year, and jazmyn in a good 4. I remember when they broke up my freshman year, Matt was so devastated. He tried to make the moves on me a few days before, and my boyfriend at the time made him tell her. Remember when he looked like a pin cushion?! Denise, him, and I took a bus all the way through Eva beach back to Kapolei for some reason that day. On my last day in Hawaii i helped him move and we made out in his bed, he was wearing an iron maiden shirt. I made out with Ryan (number one) in matt's bed too, he was also wearing an iron maiden shirt. It's just so insane that they're back together after all these years. The world is a crazy place. I still have pictures of that day on my photobucket.



The thing i remember most about living in Hawaii is Shawn. He was my best friend for so long. I can remember the first time he came over to my house. I put snorkeling gear on him, a bright green inner tube and flippers, he let me spray him with my hose for a few hours. He'd come over after school and eat up all my popsicles and play my guitar. I wasn't allowed to have people in the house when my parents were home so he'd sit at the front door for hours. I can't believe how great of a friend he was to me. I remember the last time i saw him. I was running with Jackson to the last bus down Makakilo, and he turned around and walked away and i never said goodbye. I haven't seen him since, and that was 4 years ago. I was such an asshole. After all the shit he went through with his family he never asked me for anything, he listened to me complain non stop about everything. I was really happy in 8th grade, that was one of the best years of my life.




i know he wont read this, no one does!

the 200th post!

everyday i am learning that the brain is an extraordinary organism. It's funny that the definition of extraordinary is the exact word split in half; extra-ordinary. my own brain works in the most mysterious of ways, i've come to love it though.

I really wish that i could see Daft Punk again. I'd give up every future concert just to see them once a year. There are 39 days until Justice though, and I'd like to get a pair of these for it. 40$, and i don't know if ed banger rec. is still touchy with the Kanye situation, but these are extraordinary. they glow in the friggin' dark!

101 days until i turn 18, and I've been thinking about my tattoo everyday. I'm definitely going with one of two things on the back of my right arm. I'm leaning towards the panda though, because thats the arm i'd eventually like to put all the cute fun things, and my left arm will be the more meaningful serious side. It's exactly like my personality. I fit the profile of a Gemini perfectly.
if you own the rights to this panda, i am in no way trying to reap your benefits. I Google searched for pandas and i found this, so. I really like the edgy graffiti type panda like this one, i don't want something that looks like clip art.

this is my 200th post! and i've had over 2000 views, but i get a comment once a month, good goin' guys! most of you are lurkers anyways..haha.

the new projects

these were both my mom's shorts and sweatshirt, i feel like her in them.

when i save up some more money im going to start a polaroid project. i have 2 polaroid cameras in new mexico, but i guess i'll just get a new one so i don't have to wait. i know its expensive, but i want to take a picture everyday for a year. not of the same thing, but of something. This is most likely a bad idea since i don't have a place to put them right now.

102 days until I turn 18.

My hatred for living in this house is growing day-by-day. Not with the people, but just in this general room. My personality thrives on change and i haven't had physical change in a year and a half. I can't even rearrange it in here. I'm so tired of staring at all this crap in here that is not mine. I truly think that living in the house has set back my maturity process. I feel so cramped, claustrophobic, we call it "the dungeon" for a reason.

I think I'm just bored, i love San Francisco a lot, but i feel like i've explored most of it and i need another city to linger in. Moving into my grandparent's house is always an option, too. They live in Portland though, so i'd have to leave my sister and brother behind. I'd really like to go to New York, but that is not an option now. I wish i hadn't burned every bridge from places i've moved.

I feel like screaming, i need to get out of here.

the lack of life

i have no life anymore, look at what i'm doing with my time! i mean, c'mon!

It's officially been a week, but i didn't cry yesterday and i haven't cried today. I woke up 3 hours ago, so we'll see what happens. The only times i feel like crying is when i'm trying to sleep, probably because i have nothing else occupying my brain. Fuck we're eating dinner in 30 minutes, i need to stop sleepin'.

the future suitor

Dear Future Boyfriend,

You like to cuddle, watch foreign movies, and read books. You enjoy being an asshole to everyone (except me), shoe shopping, and chinese food. You have tattoos and wear cool caps and listen to Beirut and Neutral Milk Hotel.

You text me jokes when we aren't together and call me when you have nothing else to do. You accept the fact that i don't drive and still own a Viva La Bam t-shirt. You ask me to come over for arrested development marathons. You are impatient and a little messy, but you shower.

You weigh more than 130 pounds and have dark hair. You wear glasses sometimes and like to party, and go to shows to dance. You like the fact that I am pale, and have big holes in my ears. You like lomography and teach me how to use my Diana +.

You don't make me feel stupid, and you surprise me all the time just by showing up.

You hate video games, religion, Dane Cook, anything on FOX, fast food, popcorn, and sports. You want to sleep in with me.

You don't disappoint me, flirt with other girls, and you don't buy me things, it makes me feel bad. You want to travel to Peru, Europe, Iceland, and India. You like me.

I know you don't really exist, though.

Love, Brandi

p.s. If your name is Michael Cera, i will gladly love you under any circumstances.

______________
i think i'm ready to move on, really. not to any type of relationship in any shape or form, but on, you know? and it doesn't mean i dont love him anymore, not at all. it just means that i want to...wake up?

"You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget"-A line allows progress, a circle does not.

(i keep coming back to this song by accident)

the dreams

sleeping in till 2 has its benefits. my house had a power surge last night around 2 so my webcaming got cut short, so i stayed up and read until about 3.

I had so many awesome dreams last night its not even funny.
First i got to hang out with jake...and party.
THEN (not so awesome but..) candace and i went to some concert and saw a picture of sad things on the wall then she got her car stolen.
But the finale is just so incredible you don't even understand. Michael Cera got to be my boyfriend for a whole ten or so minutes in my dream. We got to make out on his couch and cuddle. I believe it was the best dream I've ever had.

The valentines day

i hate this day so much.
but my brother is cute.

jake and i get down on webcam..

AnchorsXAway138 (11:54:10 PM): so remember that i love you a lot

AnchorsXAway138 (11:54:19 PM): but for the love of god come blow me!

The attention span

Mine seems to be at zero lately. When I read something I have to read it over again maybe even three times before it finally clicks. I don't know if its my brother constantly screaming that's keeping me from comprehending anything or all this new stress. I'm trying to read tis article for school writen by some guy in the 1940's about his philosophy on music. Any other week in the year I'd be interested, but I can't handle it right now. Reading this now is like the first time I even looked at Shakesphere.

I went to the library today though and got a few books on Islam. I figure I might as well educate myself to keep my mind from depression.

I hate how all these guys are messaging me thinking I'm free fuckable ground now. When really all of you are the furthest thing from my mind. The last thing I want right now is your stupid game all up in my business. I'M NOT INTERESTED.
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the good list

in the mist of my nervous breakdown, i haven't had the willpower to list any of the good things that've happened in the last 4 or so days. and in no specific order we have;

-My English professor wants to introduce me to the Journalism instructor because she likes my writing and thinks that we should talk. Hmm, curious.
-My room is really clean.
-Sordo is back up.
-I am using my gym membership
-Decided i should rekindle my former love for The White Stripes, (discography download in progress).
-I've been having good hair days
-I figured out what tattoo i'm officially getting on my birthday, for now, until i change my mind.
-Jake watched me dance on webcam for 3 hours
-I have no dirty laundry
-I got a library card
-Paid my late fees at the video store
-Found my bike lock key
-Found hidden Bright Eyes songs

some good things are coming out of all this spare time i have now, i don't know where its been though.

This is the closest to describing how i feel now:

"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details,
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall,
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all,
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."-An Attempt to Tip the Scales

this whole ordeal can now be summed up in one sentence; I'm being forced to face things i can't change, and i hate it, but i know theres nothing else i can do but accept it.

stage 3, here i come!

the stage two

so, im going through stage two.
stage one is total sadness, stage two is confusing anger, and stage three is the realization.
i thought i was going to skip stage two, because yesterday i was feeling alright and was thinking, you know what life goes on. But no, I guess i'm not skipping it.


I don't want to be hung up on this anymore, i want this all to be over, i don't want to look at the box full of your stuff anymore. I kept every single bus transfer, every single movie ticket, the ribbon, the necklace, it's all in there. everything i do reminds me of you, and i don't understand. i don't want to understand why I am a complete desperate fool. i don't want to understand why you love me but can't be with me. I don't understand why we couldn't have just figured everything out. i want this to be over so bad. i can't cry anymore, i haven't gone a single day with crying. I had a dream a few nights ago that we talked and everything was fine and when i woke up i thought just for a few seconds it was real, and then i cried because i realized it wasn't. Everyone always talks about how hard things like this are, and I never believed them until now.

I feel like I'm laying around in the grass in pieces just waiting for you to come and pick me up and put me back together.

there are no words to describe how horrible i feel and how much i just wish for one more day we could be normal again.

Carrie called my Grandma demanding for my phone number, apparently she was yelling at my grandma and was really mean. I won't call her back for a few years now. No one ever yells at my fucking grandma, if i had a car i'd drive up there and tell her to shut her big fat alcoholic mouth.

I want to start my life over from the beginning.

Everything, absolutely everything is just complete and total shit. Every emotion I've ever had is coming out at the same time and I can't handle it, theres no way i can handle this on my own, for the first time in my life I'm asking for help. Please help me figure out where to go from here.
_____________________________________
"The kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun and you are already bored
You're bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down, bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one
You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall that I'm still fumbling for
Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front and I'm calling your name just as loud as I can
And I know there are things of which we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily, but I want it to be easy
So just nod you head if the plans have changed
Shake it love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just please don't leave me guessing."-Messenger Bird's Song

The old friends

Last night I was up till 2:30 in the morning talking to Jake and Vincent online and I set up my webcam so I could make funny faces at them and show Jake all the stuff of his I still have. We were talking for about 2 or 3 hours and I laughed a lot, that felt nice. I've known Vincent longer, which is totally weird because we've never met in person. Him and Jake are the 2 people I know I can tell absolutely anything to and they won't think I'm a total asshole. Vincent and i talked about my current predicament and he reminded me that this is not the first and last time I will feel like total shit, he's been listening to me through every guy for the last 4 years, I can't believe he hasn't told me to shut up yet.

I miss Jake a whole lot though, June can't come soon enough. Its been a year since I've seen him now, and going back there now is like suicide although I might go this month with my dad.



I don't know if talking to you last night was a good or bad thing. There were so many things I wanted to say but I didn't. When you tell me that you still love me its hard to understand why love alone is not enough. But I've been there before so I guess I do understand a little.



I need another vacation. I'm not going to my painting class because I can't handle it right now.

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The fall

i felt motivated to go to the gym after listening to Amy winehouse, don't ask. And its not because I wish I was ninety pounds.

So I went for about 2 hours and then went to the beach to walk for a bit. There's this flowing river of water that leads into the ocean and it has a bunch of rocks in it so when the water isn't flowing so much you can get across. I stood there for about 5 minutes just thinking "I can get across this." the weather is disgusting today and the water is flowing really fast so when I jumped on the rocks I didn't realize until then how horribly ridiculous this idea was. I got about half way across and realized I couldn't make it without getting my shoes wet so when I bend down to take them off the rocks wabbled and I fell in the fucking freezing water and I just sat there laughing for a while. Its the only thing ive genuinely laughed at in 2 days.

I got up and sat on the beach for a while just listening to beirut and looking out. It reminded me of these bright eyes lyrics that just said something like life doesn't apologize for the things that hurt you, because it doesn't owe you that. I think that's true. No matter how shitty I feel or how depressed I am the waves will keep rolling and I will keep making stupid decisions about braving a freezing river.



I feel better today, still sad because I just wish I could talk to you, but better.

" Life is too short
Death doesn't ask
It don't owe you that

Some things you lose
You don't get back
So just know what you have

And make a plan to love me sometime soon"

the day one

i lied in bed for an hour debating whether i wanted to wake up or not. I did though, and i went shopping. My dad bought me some shoes, i bought myself some running shoes. I think I'll put my dog on an exercise plan, she's getting tubby, my new shoes will keep up with her. Most of the day i didn't talk, just caught up in everything still. There were times when i would be normal just for a few minutes but then I'd stop and remember. I've been making some playlists, sad ones and happy ones. I found a few songs that seem to get me through the minutes.
Bright Eyes-Laura Laurent
Rilo Kiley-More Adventurous
one the sad side..
death cab-a lack of color(the most horrible song to listen to now)
seabear-arms
weezer-why bother?

i keep my phone close and loud just in case, but it never rings.
this entire thing is not completely real yet.

"you left your black gloves on my table,
you left your dark horse in the stable,
i'm thinking of a way to get you to stay,
and i'll promise to,
fight the wind and wait for you
i'm an owl with tired eyes
i'm a scarecrow in disguise

i often go out pacing when all i want to do is stay inside
and look out the window with you"-Seabear, Arms

i'm going for a walk.

the end

I'm not sure what to do now, i don't think I've ever felt so defeated. Knowing that you're completely powerless to someone's decision is the worst feeling in the world. I've spent most of the night with my dad, he cheered me up.

I only feel like total shit when I'm alone in my room, especially when i first came home all of our pictures were still up, and everything you've ever drawn me had to be taken down. As much as i want to keep positive, it's not helping. I don't know what I'll do at night when i'm not waiting for your call, or what I'll do when i want to talk about books or music, or when i want a hug. I want to pretend like i don't care, I want to walk away and forget about it, but i can't. I can't help but hope that you might change your mind. I know there is no one else in the world like you. I know we weren't perfect, but it worked for a while.

After all of this, i think i'll stay away from the opposite sex. I really don't ever want to put my trust in someone again. It always seems to work out that way though, as soon as i feel completely comfortable things go down hill. I need to stop being so needy.

I can't help but think today is the last day i will ever hug you. It was hard to not move a muscle when you walked away. the worst part, is that we were the only thing in my current life that i was sure of. i mean, i never had to worry about it.

I don't ever want to feel like this again, i wish i could just sleep it away and wake up when it passes.

"Well, I guess that it's typical,
To cling to memories you'll never get back again,
And to sort through old photographs,
Of a summer long ago,
Or a friend that you used to know,
And there below his frozen face,
You wrote the name and that ancient date,
And you can't believe that he's really gone,
When all that's left is a fucking song."-Happy Birthday To Me(Feb.15th)

i've got a lot of music to cry to though, for real.

The sun

I have no idea why its so damn hot today, I can almost hear the winter melting away. I'm waiting for one of the buses to take me to meet Keith. After this bus ive got one more to go, but its short. I'm feeling paranoid and shaky today. I really don't have a reason to though, but when have I ever had a reason to feel paranoid? I hate sitting at the bus stop in lindamar because everyone who drives by looks to see if they know you. I think that's the thing I hate most about pacifica, everyone feels trapped and they don't do anything about it so they stay here just like their parents did and they know everybody, but San Francisco is 15 minutes away that place is like another world.

Speaking of all this pacifica native nonsense, I just met a strange boy at the bus stop who asked to borrow my phone. So I let him because I'm nice sometimes. We were talking about Chinese new year being today and how I wanted to go to the parade. He said he was going down to some peir to sell his underground rap cd's. This directly led into him asking if I was into underground rap and me saying no. He assumed I was into "underground rock like RANCID." do I really give off the vibe that I listen to fucking Rancid? So I told him, no I don't listen to rancid. He asked what kind of music I DO like and I couldn't explain it so I just said "crazy shit, man." then thankfully my bus came. His name was Travis.
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The semi-party

So the party moved to Berkeley and ended up being Me, candace, Russell, Garrett and Ava. I don't know why I keep refering to it as the party, it was just us!

Anyways it started around 11 and I passed out around 3am, I woke up at 6 to find Russell and Garrett STILL playing Rockband! On the way back to candaces house we ran into morning commuter traffic back over the bay bridge. We got back to her house around 7:30 and finally fell asleep at 8, it was hard with all of Russell's snoring but candace tried to muffle it hahaha. We woke up 2 hours later at 10am, drove me back to my house so I could shower and get ready to work at noon. That is currently where I reside. When I passed out at ava's I was so intoxicated I felt like I was asleep for 15 minutes. So I'm running on what feels like 2 hours of sleep. I could go for a nap.
We were celebrating good news and Chinese new year! When I got home this morning, in spite of being exhausted, I was so happy to be in my room for some reason. I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be tiny and snuggled by my mom. The more and more days I go without hugging her the more I feel like its my fault.



Here are some pictures from last night that I found on my phone...the ones with the lights are from this morning on the bridge just before the sun started to rise

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The class

So I'm sitting here in class waiting for it to start listening to spank rock. The only thing that's been keeping me from feeling sick lately is goldfish. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes I'll get sick spells out of nowhere, even when I lived in New Mexico. Maybe I have acid reflux or something equally retarded.

Yesterday my sister and I got high school musical tattoos, rad.
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the "Sailin' On"

I can't believe Bad Brains is featured on MTV this week.

Absolutely everyone and everything is driving me fucking insane today. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I woke up at noon, wasted my whole fucking day, and I'm so sick of it. It's impossible for me to wake up, i hate it. My mom has turned into the spitting image of the snotty side of my Grandpa. She thinks she knows everything about everything and she always has the information. She looks like him, and she acts like him, but she'll never admit it. Its easy to love my Grandpa though, because he's my Grandpa.

Admitting that I'm wrong and giving in solved the issue but i still don't believe I was. If you think i was trying to hurt you intentionally, then YOU'RE wrong. While ignoring it might not be the answer, freaking out about it isn't either. I want all of this to be over and done with so we can figure things out from there.

The two people i'm supposed to love unconditionally are bugging me about the same goddamn thing for different reasons, i want you to shut up. I wanted to do this on my own for a reason, i can handle it.

Party tomorrow night.

the experiment

as most of you know, my living situation is a bit crazy. i won't explain it for the 100th time, but i'll tell you this; my room has 1 long window across one wall, which is completely useless because my side of the house is covered by a deck above, so i get no sun light. its pretty depressing but i manage with lamps.

as my paint teacher would say, "THIS LIGHT IS MAKING ME SUFFER, I'M PHYSICALLY ILL, OHH MY GOD."

so no sunlight means no heat, which means i have to use a space heater because this house is so old the heating is shot and it doesn't stay warm anywhere but upstairs. Space heaters suck up a lot of energy, our bill was 800 dollars last month. We do everything environmentally safe in this house, we recycle, we use cloth bags at the grocery store, we wash dishes by hand in a bucket in the sink, we open all the blinds to get as much sunlight as possible. we do everything, but our energy bill was so incredibly high. once we realized what the problem was, the space heaters, i put mine away and decided not to use it anymore. i would turn it on for 8 hours every day because my room was an add-on in the 70's and its not properly insulated, so the heat doesn't stay in. Yesterday i stored my heater, and I've been space heater free for one day. I've never been so frozen inside in my life.

I'm thinking about moving to another room in the house, i'm so bored and depressed in here! someone died in the only available room, and i'm totally not down with that.

the flash mob

so i was reading up on flash mobs here in San Francisco, and so far there are 2 i plan on attending in the next 2 weeks.
On February 10th (this sunday), at 18th& Church (corner of Dolores Park) at 1:00 pm there will be a public marching band. You can bring kazoos, harmonicas, any instruments you want, and a HAT! I'm taking my little sister to that one.
On Feburary 14th, across from the clock tower in embarcadero is the 3rd annual valentines day pillow fight. I don't know who i'm going with, but i'm going!

I rented Before Night Falls, which is apparently is considered "queer cinema" which i didn't know, because all the box said was about a cuban poet and novelist, Reinaldo Arenas. It's tagged on IMDB as "full frontal nudity". whoops. I also got Au Revoir, Les Enfants, which i've been meaning to see. I get to cross two off my list!

I finished my essay this morning. I swear its the most boring 3 pages I've ever written/read.

The hoodie

Look at what I found in my closet today!

In other news, I've been watching national geographic all night. Things about the human body and brain, we are such complex creatures its astonishing! How in the hell can you believe that some mystical man in the sky thought of this intricate system? A flick of a wand couldn't make me!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

the end of the world

it's been pretty nasty outside lately, it looks like the end of the world sometimes.

today there was a bit change of plans, but my day is seeming to be working out. I'm going to "work" in about an hour. I don't know if i really consider it work because its only 1 or 2 days a week, and its not for a company, (i'm not selling drugs). i guess being sort-of-nannyish is considered work.

i thought my phone was glitching really bad but i fixed it and enhanced it a little.

I got MGMT's Time To Pretend EP, it's okay. I really like the title track, i'm not big on the vocals but the instrumental is really catchy and good. the video is pretty silly too.

I stayed up until 3 am last night/this morning writing in my new journal. I wrote funny stories about horrifying things that i've been through, or they seemed horrifying at the time. Like losing my virginity, and my dad threatening to kill the guy i liked if he ever came near me again, and an extremely public and embarrassing argument.

the magical amount

i spent all morning with Keith, and i bought some movies.
i learned theres a lot of things I've got to get over within myself. My laughing habits are so embarrassing. I need to stop being so insecure, because its hurting us.

"I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you are near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try anyway"-Puela Quam Amo Est Pulchra

Have you seen the previews for Charlie Bartlett? Its like a mix between Rushmore and Ferris Bueller, looks bad.

For those of you who are fans of We Need Girlfriends, have any of you seen the truth commercial with Henry in it!?

the confidence

I've been feeling pretty confident.

My mom and i felt nauseous all day so we went shopping. I bought some new shoes, red heels to be exact, and they are beautiful.

Last night i couldn't sleep, and was feeling pretty angry so i made an Ultimate Bright Eyes playlist. I told you making lists makes me feel better. I don't know what it is!

Going to the gym...ugh.

So i went to the gym with my dad around 7:45 and we didn't realize it closed at eight, so we went next door to the bar and met up with some of his friends and had a few drinks. it's still awkward drinking around him. the only reason i get away with it there is because he knows people. then we got ice cream.

the rain

i feel like i spent all day in the rain. Candace and i have been soaked since 3.

I've been pissed off and on edge since i had that anxiety attack on Tuesday morning. It might've altered my brain a little.

I have noticed a lot of things between my mom and I recently. I can honestly tell you that i can't remember the last time she touched me. I feel like i haven't hugged her in years. Even when i was 15 I'd ask her to come and lay with me in my bed before i fell asleep just to laugh and have my mom to cuddle with, every once in a while she'd oblige. Ever since she had my sister, it's been weird, and after my brother was born it was even worse. Its like the more kids she had after me, the more we grew apart. I miss it when it was just us two, from what i remember.
I remember it most when I'd have a fever. The thermometer under my tongue, curled up in her blankets, watching cartoons all day.
My pseudo-grandma came up to me the other day while i was eating in the kitchen next to my mom and my brother and she put her hand on my head and played with my hair, admiring how long my hair had gotten since before she'd left, and my mom looked jealous. I'm sure if she'd try to touch me now I'd tell her to fuck off.


Some days I wish i'd never lived past 9.

"You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton,
No more sleepwalking dead,"
You're going to wake from this coma,
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made,
And stop counting on that camera,
That hangs round your neck,
Because it won't ever remember,
What you choose to forget,
As you try to find some source of light,
Try to name one thing you like,
You used to have such a longer list,
And light, you never had to look for it,
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do,
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass,
Before the ice melts away,
This feeling always used to pass,
But seems like it's every day ,
Seems like it's every night now."-A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not
^one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, i always come back to this exact emotion. i guess the title is right.

the sunday smile

Beirut is definately my favorite band at the moment. After browsing Youtube for some live sets i found these videos that a director made of Zach and the band playing in random places around Brooklyn. If you're a fan you should really check them out..HERE!

Zach Condon continues to surprise me with the beautiful music he makes at such a young age. I've never felt so moved by instrumentals alone.

"All I want is the best for our lives my dear,
and you know my wishes are sincere.
But whats to say for the days I cannot bare?"-Sunday Smile

BEIRUT - Sunday Smile from The Flying Club Cup
Uploaded by flyingclubcup

the shower

encore une fois

this morning i had an anxiety attack in the shower. i thought i was dying, it was the scariest thing i've ever been through.

i've had a headache all day and just want to sleep it away.

taking care of my sick baby sister is the only thing keeping me from going insane right now.

" Amy's got a baby in her stomach,
She took my hand I felt it kick ,
So she's crying an glowing ,
She's 3 months and showing ,
Seeing her now makes me want to live ,
....
All the traffic lights blur into a bright bouquet ,
I wish I could just turn and walk away ,
But I can't do it no way ,
Until the birds return for spring cleaning."
-Spring Cleaning Bright Eyes/Neva Dinova

the top five hate list

It's 9:30 in the morning, and I'm awake. It's a miracle, i know! I've already gone to the dentist, and came back. I was super nervous and shaking too much so they could only do 1 filling and now i have to come back for 4 more appointments instead of 3. They let me listen to my headphones which calmed me down a lot, but i was still trying to focus on something in particular. The only thing that kept me from shaking was spelling. I could only spell words that were difficult or that i had to think about. here are some of those words from that list;

Darjeeling (this one was the most effective)
Appointment
Inconclusive
Palahniuk

This visit also inspired me to make a top five list of the things i hate the most, in no specific order;
1. All persons, ideas, and things affiliated with the Westboro Baptist Church made famous for their "God Hates Fags" campaign.
2. Everything to do with the Dentist and it's extreme sterileness*, latex, and drills.
3. Waking up before 10
4. Waking up after 12
5. Taxes

*Note: This will be the third word i've invented since starting this blog*

i used to connect with at least one person in my house, that being my sister. now that she's getting older i can't stand to be around her. half of the things i do, she tells on me for. we used to play around and fight each other, now her side of the game is trying to get me to be as violent as possible so she can go and cry to her mommy about how mean i am. she annoys the shit out of me 80% of the time, and the minute i want to annoy her, i get in trouble. i stay in my room 90% of the time at home because everyone is so fucking ridiculous. and the worst part is that no one ever fucking knocks.

fuck everyone right now, 121 days until my liberation.

the morning

i can't fucking take this shit anymore i don't know what to do. 10 hours ago i was content, making jokes, then i fell asleep. i wake up to this fucking bullshit and want to scrap every plan i made today just to sit here and cry about it.

i wish i was going to New York, i want to leave.

I don't know what you expect from me.

It's bullshit that I'm not good enough though, fuck that. I am better than this shit, i am fucking better than this. I'm not fighting for your attention anymore.

"You can leave me on corner,
where you found me,
I'm not for sale anymore."

its not bright eyes, but it fits, fuck off.
oh my god. i've turned into jealous needy girlfriend, kill me.


Edit://
i thought today couldn't get any worse.
my parents have planned a huge camping trip to Mt.Shasta with a whole bunch of family from a bunch of other states, on the exact dates of my 18th birthday. I definately don't want to be stuck with a bunch of family in a cabin on the biggest birthday of them all. I even questioned my mom and she said, "well us and all of them weren't thinking about your birthday when we planned this." Maybe they could at least reschedule? No, their stupid fucking vacation comes before my 18th birthday. I'm not going. I'm going to stay here and rage until i can't see anymore.

The Best Page In The Universe

I hadn't visited The Best Page In the Universe in a while, but i did tonight. His new comments on Crocs have reassured my conscience that i am not a total asshole for thinking everyone who owns a pair should set themselves on fire.

(I can also thank Vincent for introducing me to Maddox last year with the Alphabet of Manliness.)

So, it's about 2 in the morning. I have 28% of remaining battery power on my computer, which means i have approximately 51 minutes to complain about how i did absolutely nothing productive today besides watching a movie while simultaneously braiding my hair and eating apple jacks. Oh! Joaquin also gave me the idea to make a Valentines Day playlist. I did that, too.

Right this very second Pseudo Grandparents walked in the door home from El Salvador, they've been gone for a month and are probably extremely jet-lagged. i thought about hiding in their closet when i heard the car pull up, just to throw some confetti and welcome them back to the living hell that has consumed this house. But then i weighed the probability of a heart attack, and decided against it considering i cheated when i was certified for CPR.

I just stumbled upon this gem of a website, which proves to me there are still funny people on earth that i wanted to be friends with.

the movies

i've been watching a lot of movies lately, since the video store has a super selection of foreign movies, i wanted to watch all of them. i was on a roll, about 8 or so this week. that is until they eliminated their deal of 5 dvds for 5.41. I now have to pay 3.50 PER dvd, which i guess is reasonable, but most of them are not new releases. So, I've made the decision to switch to Netflix. Here's what i've watched this past week though.

(not foreign)
Junebug (i want to be ashley's friend)
Rushmore (early Wes Anderson)
The King (so so twisted.)
(foreign)
Amores Perros (One of my favorites now, such a great story.)
Volver (also a new favorite, so many twists!)
Bad Education (i was so turned off after i watched this, but you would've never seen it coming)
Y Tu Mama Tambien (New favorite, i can't believe Diego Luna did dirty dancing 2 afterwards)
The Motorcycle Diaries (Made me excited for my trip to Peru. It was intriguing to see the history of young Che, before all the guerrilla/revolution stuff.)

there was another but i forgot what it was. This is what I've got for the weekend;
-Thumbsucker
-L'Enfants

Gael Garcia Bernal is in half of all of those movies listed. I think the worst one out of the ones i watched already was Bad Education, but i actually really liked it. I'm waiting for a really shitty one to come along here.

"This TV is old, the color is fucked, do you see the difference in the shades? But the green is still close to green, my love, And I believe we are the same, And we’ll stay like this, all gold and green, The light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen."-The Difference In the Shades


Here's whats on my list of things to rent in the future (from Netflix);
Au Revoir, Les Enfants
Maria Full Of Grace
Elephant
Curse of the Golden Flower(looks pretty)
Me and You and Everyone We Know (can't find it anywhere)
Broken Flowers
Everything Is Illuminated (I read the damn book just so i could see it)
Sweet Sixteen
All About My Mother
The Squid and The Whale
Babel
Amen
21 Grams
Goodbye, Lenin!
The Lives of Others
Delicatessen

Any recommendations?

The Race

One day, I'm going to drive myself absolutely insane with all of these over-analyzations. No matter how hard i try to trust, I can't, and I know this is only going to hurt me in the long run. The saddest part is that it has nothing to do with you, it's completely inside of me. I don't bring it up anymore with you because I hate to bother you with it when i know its neither your fault or something you can fix. I will lose to this, i know it. I hate my mind and how it races, that's why i can never sleep. And thats why I'm awake at 1:30 in the morning writing about something that has and always will be an internal conflict.

"But as for me I'm coming to my final failure,
I've killed myself with changes trying to make it better,
But I still ended up becoming something other,
Than what I had planned to be."-A Perfect Sonnet

I couldn't cry, so i watched videos of Heath Ledger, and that did it.

To tell you the truth, out of all the things i'm afraid of, I'm the most scared of dying and other people around me dying before i do. The entire idea of someone being there and now they aren't, makes me so depressed and scared, even when i didn't know them. I can't believe you told me I was stupid for being afraid of death. Maybe you weren't because thats what you really wanted all along.

"Because that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept,
You are here and then you're gone."-A Perfect Sonnet

I can feel a sad rut coming on, bear with me.

the annoying

Everyone and everything is annoying the hell out of me today. It's mostly my mom, mumbling art snob teachers, and unfunny people who think they're hilarious.

Some days, I love my mom to death. Other days, i don't want to be within a 25 foot radius of her, or any place where she may be heard and/or seen. The worst part about not driving is that she is always waiting for me, and when i don't get service in my classroom's building, it is the end of the world because she won't know how long she'll be waiting. I'd been out for 5 minutes before i had 3 voice mails and 5 text messages asking where i was. I mean really, it's not like i was out at a party getting wasted off my ass and waiting for her to come pick me up because i couldn't afford a cab. I was in school all morning! I can't control the fact that you showed up ten minutes early. I've been waiting a long time for her to calm the fuck down and stop treating me like i'm 11, the least she could do was wait five minutes.

I get in the car and she asks me to babysit tomorrow morning, but i also have to babysit for her at 3 tomorrow afternoon. Fine, alright I'll do it. We are driving back and she asks me to wait in the car with my brother so she can run into Ross to get an outfit for an interview tomorrow. Fine, alright I'll wait. Finally we get home and she asks me if i have any sweatpants to wear around the house instead of pajama pants. What the hell is the difference? No, I don't and i will not. Then she asks to borrow my favorite softest black scarf that i brought back with me from the house in New Mexico last year. So i look for it and hand it to her, but caution that she might want to wash it first because i wore it in Oregon and got it dirty but haven't cleaned it yet. She then has the nerve to make a face and ask what the stain/clump is. I'm sorry i didn't have it royally prepared and washed for you, i was busy doing you other favors.

All of the above stated events make me want to tear my hair out and throw it in her face then ask her if she needs any more favors and if she'd like me to change into an outfit for sitting around on my ass. Meanwhile, i will drown my face in a cup of tea (good thing i have archive footage of this action, i do it quite often. i can't wait to get up new pictures again.)

It was so different when i was little, she was my best friend. I don't know if it's her or me that has changed, maybe its us both. We've both grown up. She was always there to brush my hair in the mornings, and now I've cut it short i don't need to brush it anymore. I think it's symbolic.

"You said you hate my suffering.
And you understood,
And you’d take care of me,
You'd always be there,
Well where are you now?"- Haligh, Haligh, a Lie, Haligh

the aspirations

After watching Junebug, it made me want to make a list of my priorities/goals/wants/needs. I don't know why, but i just felt like i needed to make a list of things i want to attain.
Maybe its the fact that Ashley was having her baby so young and I identified more with Madeline. As a kid, i dreamed of having a family of my own to care for. Children, a husband, a dog, a house. Even up until Junior year that is what i wanted. I don't know what clicked inside of me, but it did. I had the choice to set aside all of my goals and stay there in New Mexico, get married at 19, raise children, ignore my aspirations. Essentially, thats the choice i was given. I'm not complaining, i was in no way forced or pushed into staying there.
I left for me, because i knew that there were bigger things i could do, and they weren't going to happen for me in New Mexico. I've struggled with the fact that i left, all the things i lost and left behind. I'm finally coming to this point though, (and i don't forgive myself because there is no forgiveness to be given), i have no one to apologize to.

I am who i am because if what i will do, not who i have been. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Here is my list in no specific order,(which has been slightly altered due to that fact that my college plans have gone haywire, and have to be organized a little).
1. Go to Peru/South America with pseudo grandparents this summer
2. Move out from my parents by the end of this year, (preferably by next fall semester).
3. Give Carrie and Shelby a chance, (i can forgive but i won't forget.)
4. Spend a month in Europe, (who knows when this will ever happen, but i can dream.)
5. Get my driver's license.
6. Get my first tattoo, (hopefully the day i turn 18), of this picture above. It's a drawing by Jeff Mangum, singer of Neutral Milk Hotel who made one of my all time favorite songs/albums, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The picture has always reminded me of my brother and sister, so i'll always have them with me wherever luck takes me. I feel almost bad that I'm not getting a Bright Eyes tattoo first, seeing as he's written a song for every emotion I've ever felt, but i think this is more important. (Seeing as that is true, and there wont be any pictures for a while, I think I'll post a Bright Eyes lyric every day for how i felt.)
7. Stop being so insecure and paranoid, (i don't know when this will ever end.) Also, stop feeling like i'm not good enough. I'm not perfect, but i've never killed anyone. I didn't get any scholarships, but i graduated. I'm pretty alright.
8. Try to accept the fact that everyone i fall in love with isn't trying to hurt me. I constantly feel like i have to watch my own back when i comes to love. Most likely because i know how easy it is to hurt someone, because I've done it, and i know how easy it is for someone to hurt me. (If anyone I've ever loved reads this blog, I'm sorry for the things i did to you both, whether it was horribly disloyal or incredibly juvenile and ridiculous, I'm sorry. But it doesn't mean i never loved you.)
9. Stop laughing when I'm angry to hide the fact that i'm really mad. Also, stop being so sarcastic during important conversations, it doesn't help the situation, and i know this because my mom does it and it annoys me.
10. Answer my phone.
11. Learn French, and brush up my Spanish skills, (mire el numero uno! porque lo necesitare!) I think spending a month in a Spanish speaking country will help, too. I only hope that SOMEONE speaks English besides my pseudo-grandparents, i can't only talk to them for a month.
12. memento mori!
13. Go to India
14. Tell you i love you more, because i mean it.

and here is one for you.
15. hold my hands, tie my arms around you, anything just to keep you closer. i love you more than you know. Even when you are hard on yourself, i know how amazing you are. I'm just afraid someone else might find out, too.


listing makes me feel better, it might make you feel it too.

Sometimes i think this is how everyone else might feel about me.
"Never trust a heart thats so bent it can't break."

the wacky day

my first day of college was also the day of my first car accident. But don't worry, Candace and I are alive. We are living proof that reckless old lady drivers shouldn't get behind the wheel.

Heath Ledger died, what a shame. I'm truly sad about it.

I hate not being liked, and I'm sad about that too.

Family drama is so stupid. Why can't she see that no matter how manipulative she is, she will never tear us apart. You are only included by marriage, woman. Using my grandma's technological incapabilities against her, is unfair.

I want to sleep until all of this blows over.

the head down

im down today, and no, i don't want to talk about it.

back to school tomorrow.

i learned how to play my favorite cat power song on the piano, and i'm learning passenger seat by death cab. if i get my camera fixed, i'll record it and get my "music page" back together. i feel like such an idiot.

the train

i took Amtrak to go visit Keith in Davis yesterday. I had the best day I've had in a while, there was lots of walking, talking, cuddling, singing, and laughing. He rode the train back with me and we partied to my iPod.

hahahhahaahaha

i feel closer to you now more than ever. i love you so incredibly much, and if you ever doubt it again for one single second, i will fight you. you make me so happy, after a series of horribly unhappy weeks, yesterday made up for it. just lying there next to you made me smile. i miss you already but i have your sweater and it makes me feel alright. i love you beyond a reason.

come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love. i want to tell you, how much i love you.

the irony

i went to the dentist's office this morning, again. i wont go into detail but i will tell you i ran into someone with a strange connection to me. The receptionist and i were talking about moving places and we both mentioned that we lived in Hawaii. It eventually turned out that we lived in the same city and went to the same high school. She was in the first graduating class, then i came a year later as a freshman. Its so ironic that she went to my, at the time, tiny high school and now we meet in a tiny dentist's office in another state. The world is truly a small, small place.

afterwards and i went to babysit, which i am considering my new job, because I'm doing it more often than i thought. I don't mind at all, because she pays me twice what i was getting at my previous job, to play with her kids and do some dishes. i made 80 dollars today for 5 hours, PLUS she bought us lunch. i was broke up until today, because i bought that new phone and then i spent 90 dollars on tickets for Keith and I to see Justice in March.

Tomorrow I'm going to Davis to visit Keith and i have to take the train, I'm nervous.

the long morning

My day really started at 2am, I couldn't sleep because I started hearing stuff upstairs like someone was breaking into the house so I went to sleep with my mom, but my brother and sister best me too it, I ended up on the floor. my dad came into the room at 7 in the morning and he hit me in the head with the door and asked me what the hell I was doing, I was too tired to explain so I just said "its a longgg story."then I had to wake up and watch my brother while my mom was out.I got jacked up on coffee for 10 minutes and then felt like dying.

the new phone

i bought a blackberry pearl! and she is so so sweet.

the minutes

within 3 minutes, my day went from alright and casual to horrible and keeping me back from my ultimate goal.

due to miscommunication with the operator at Parsons, i am illegible to apply this year.
When i asked her the deadline for admissions she told me March 1st, the actual deadline admission is February 1st and the deadline for FASFA admissions is March 1st, I found this out online. I have yet to take the SAT until March, so it is impossible for me to apply. If she would've just told me the right date, i could've applied, i would've taken the SAT earlier. So now that my dream school is completely out of the question for this year, i have to make other plans.

My grandma called me minutes after this horrible news was discovered only to tell my that my biological father called her and left a message on her answering machine with his phone numbers.

please, no one give me shit today. i am officially depressed.

this cheered me up

the photobooth

Waves.tv is awesome!

the new camera

Meiling is so adorable and confusing and fragile.
I named her Meiling because its supposed to mean beautiful and delicate in Chinese, where she was first born.

i came home from Portland this morning, im ready to pass out and its only 8!

the civility

there is some hostile feelings between my family members here today, its a long story thats been going on a for a while now. after last night's phone call to a missing piece of me, and talking to keith, we both realized how important family really is. i hate to see my uncles not getting along, i wish we could all just sit in the same room together again like when i was a kid.
but lately, more than ever, i realize things are a lot different from when i was i kid.

i talked to Carrie last night, i cried a little, but kept my firm angry stance. I asked why it took her so long to call, and why her son never did. She kept refering to him as my "dad," i had to stop and correct her, he is not my dad, as far as i'm concerned we aren't even the slightest bit related. your blood may flow through mine, but i am not yours to throw away and 15 years later be picked out of the trash and expected to be okay with it.

she wants a relationship but at this point, its too late. No effort was made to find me until i was 16 years old. How do you expect me to forgive and forget all the years my mom and i lived paycheck to paycheck, above a locksmith, in and out of my grandma's house, and fatherless. I have such fucked up issues within myself, a huge insecurity that everyone i love will leave, and because of that i'm extremely needy.

I have never once used the excuse of half of my biological family out of the picture, to cover up for my mistakes, or things i've done to other people. And anyone who uses their childhood as an excuse for anything you've personally done or caused wrong, is pathetic and can't take the heat of their own consequences.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, i was always surrounded by people i loved and people who loved me. yeah, my mom had boyfriends that came and went, but no matter what, I always came first. I remember when i first learned to tie my shoes. I would watch my uncle Shaun do it, and i'd practice just by sight, until i finally got it. Thats how i've learned almost everything i know. I was led by example from everyone in my family, and today, i'm a little bit of each and every one of them.
I look like my grandma and my mom, they both taught me how to be creative.
My uncle Tommy taught me how to ride a Jetski, and what its like to fear anything that chases after you. Damn your godzilla slippers!
My uncle Shaun taught me about music, and having your own mind, making your own path.
My grandma taught me how to run and install programs on a computer, we started building them when i was 5. he also taught me how to procrastinate and be late for everything you must be on time for.


as much as i needed that phone call, i need my family more.

the changes

when i get home, i'm going to try and be more respectful to my mom, no matter how ridiculous she might get, obeying her might do me some good in the long run. it'll kill me to start a new "yes" relationship with her, but this "no," one isn't working.

i called her but it was busy, i'm trying back in a few minutes. my anxiousness has turned to anger and i'm not holding anything back. why should I? if she wants to have any sort of relationship with me, we've got to get a few things out of the way first.

What baffles me is that she is the one calling when it's not her responsiblity. Apparently she doesn't even talk to my biological father anymore, i'm beginning to not see a point in this. If you want to know someone, don't ask their mother, they'll always be the sweetest person on earth. But only nice people die, i guess.

the call

i don't know if i'm ready for this.


the longer i'm without you, the more and more i feel alone, but only about a week more until i visit.

im empty.

the sleeping pills

my body doesn't respond well to them apparently.
i've been falling asleep around 4 in the morning lately, so i took one not last night, but the night before. i fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 9:30, i thought this was working out great, i felt a little groggy but i was awake early. i felt completely exhausted all day, if i sat down i'd fall asleep. so last ight i fell asleep alright, but this morning i couldn't wake up, and finally got out of bed at 2.

my body hates me, and doesn't want sleep.

Justice is going on tour to SF in March, i will be there.

i need something new i my life, i'm not sure what it might be. i can't wait to get home and make some changes between myself, my family, and my future. i used to be scared of the coming months, but im just going to ride it out. New York has been my dream since 8th grade, i shouldn't be afraid of it. It will happen if i want it to.

the guarded information

i'm so glad that i'm away from my mother, since all of the new information i've found out about my other half makes me want to throw her from an overpass into a truck full of chickens carrying the bird flu virus.

i'm calling my biological dad's mother when i get back, no matter how much it hurts her. as far as i'm concerned, she doesn't deserve my sympathy anymore.

the hilarity

girls stooping low to get who they want, fail.
i might be in portland now, but its what they call a vacation.
believe me, i'll be back.

the relaxing

i've forgotten what it feels like to have nothing to do.
my calender says, "no events in the next 7 days," which makes me relaxed.
But also freaked, because i don't know what to do with myself.

vacation is nice, portland is cold, it might snow tomorrow.
i hear the bay area is dying, good thing i'm missing it.
Augustine is apparently still alive.

I have tons of paint in my hair, but i refuse to wash it.
i won't see keith until the 19th, absence makes the heart grow fonder?
hmph.

the much needed vacation

i leave for Portland in 8 hours, 4 of which will be spent sleeping, 2 hours standing in lines, and another 2 hours in an aeroplane.

But, it is not over the sea.


i am confused and baffled by my immediate future, friendships, relationships, and all those other ships. i'm scared, i'm hoping my grandma will have the answers again.

i think you might be right about him waiting to show up for so many years because he really doesn't care. no one has said that to me before, but i think its the truth.

the new year

the first of the year didn't start off too great, but it could've been worse.
last night i stayed home with my sister, my parents came home drunk 20 minutes before midnight and we celebrated with Dick Clark. Sadly, that man of greatness is getting old, it made me sad.
Keith called at 12:05 to say happy new year.
Got text messages from David, and Jenn around 12:10,
and an extremely incoherent phone call from Nick and Zach, needless to say it was quite hilarious.

Had a change of plans this morning, so i just sat around all day, i haven't showered, eaten, or left the house. This day does not foreshadow my year, though.
I have so many things to do and so many things to prepare for.
When my pseudo Grandparents get back from El Salvador on the 19th, I'm going to ask them about their trip to Peru, they go every summer for about 3 weeks. They've asked me to go before but i was too young then.
I have to sign up and take the SATs, find a new job, save 600 dollars for the camera, apply to college, get through Skyline, and walk the stage for my official diploma.
I feel like 2008 will be completely non-stop, no time to sit around and slack anymore.

Nothing is going to stand in my way this year, not you, not my parents, and not my freshman year grades. I simply do not have time.

im pissed and just want some ice cream.

im going to start asking you questions because no one ever comments!
i am typical...what is your new years resolution?
mine is to save money.