The semi-party

So the party moved to Berkeley and ended up being Me, candace, Russell, Garrett and Ava. I don't know why I keep refering to it as the party, it was just us!

Anyways it started around 11 and I passed out around 3am, I woke up at 6 to find Russell and Garrett STILL playing Rockband! On the way back to candaces house we ran into morning commuter traffic back over the bay bridge. We got back to her house around 7:30 and finally fell asleep at 8, it was hard with all of Russell's snoring but candace tried to muffle it hahaha. We woke up 2 hours later at 10am, drove me back to my house so I could shower and get ready to work at noon. That is currently where I reside. When I passed out at ava's I was so intoxicated I felt like I was asleep for 15 minutes. So I'm running on what feels like 2 hours of sleep. I could go for a nap.
We were celebrating good news and Chinese new year! When I got home this morning, in spite of being exhausted, I was so happy to be in my room for some reason. I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be tiny and snuggled by my mom. The more and more days I go without hugging her the more I feel like its my fault.



Here are some pictures from last night that I found on my phone...the ones with the lights are from this morning on the bridge just before the sun started to rise

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The class

So I'm sitting here in class waiting for it to start listening to spank rock. The only thing that's been keeping me from feeling sick lately is goldfish. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes I'll get sick spells out of nowhere, even when I lived in New Mexico. Maybe I have acid reflux or something equally retarded.

Yesterday my sister and I got high school musical tattoos, rad.
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the "Sailin' On"

I can't believe Bad Brains is featured on MTV this week.

Absolutely everyone and everything is driving me fucking insane today. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I woke up at noon, wasted my whole fucking day, and I'm so sick of it. It's impossible for me to wake up, i hate it. My mom has turned into the spitting image of the snotty side of my Grandpa. She thinks she knows everything about everything and she always has the information. She looks like him, and she acts like him, but she'll never admit it. Its easy to love my Grandpa though, because he's my Grandpa.

Admitting that I'm wrong and giving in solved the issue but i still don't believe I was. If you think i was trying to hurt you intentionally, then YOU'RE wrong. While ignoring it might not be the answer, freaking out about it isn't either. I want all of this to be over and done with so we can figure things out from there.

The two people i'm supposed to love unconditionally are bugging me about the same goddamn thing for different reasons, i want you to shut up. I wanted to do this on my own for a reason, i can handle it.

Party tomorrow night.

the experiment

as most of you know, my living situation is a bit crazy. i won't explain it for the 100th time, but i'll tell you this; my room has 1 long window across one wall, which is completely useless because my side of the house is covered by a deck above, so i get no sun light. its pretty depressing but i manage with lamps.

as my paint teacher would say, "THIS LIGHT IS MAKING ME SUFFER, I'M PHYSICALLY ILL, OHH MY GOD."

so no sunlight means no heat, which means i have to use a space heater because this house is so old the heating is shot and it doesn't stay warm anywhere but upstairs. Space heaters suck up a lot of energy, our bill was 800 dollars last month. We do everything environmentally safe in this house, we recycle, we use cloth bags at the grocery store, we wash dishes by hand in a bucket in the sink, we open all the blinds to get as much sunlight as possible. we do everything, but our energy bill was so incredibly high. once we realized what the problem was, the space heaters, i put mine away and decided not to use it anymore. i would turn it on for 8 hours every day because my room was an add-on in the 70's and its not properly insulated, so the heat doesn't stay in. Yesterday i stored my heater, and I've been space heater free for one day. I've never been so frozen inside in my life.

I'm thinking about moving to another room in the house, i'm so bored and depressed in here! someone died in the only available room, and i'm totally not down with that.

the flash mob

so i was reading up on flash mobs here in San Francisco, and so far there are 2 i plan on attending in the next 2 weeks.
On February 10th (this sunday), at 18th& Church (corner of Dolores Park) at 1:00 pm there will be a public marching band. You can bring kazoos, harmonicas, any instruments you want, and a HAT! I'm taking my little sister to that one.
On Feburary 14th, across from the clock tower in embarcadero is the 3rd annual valentines day pillow fight. I don't know who i'm going with, but i'm going!

I rented Before Night Falls, which is apparently is considered "queer cinema" which i didn't know, because all the box said was about a cuban poet and novelist, Reinaldo Arenas. It's tagged on IMDB as "full frontal nudity". whoops. I also got Au Revoir, Les Enfants, which i've been meaning to see. I get to cross two off my list!

I finished my essay this morning. I swear its the most boring 3 pages I've ever written/read.

The hoodie

Look at what I found in my closet today!

In other news, I've been watching national geographic all night. Things about the human body and brain, we are such complex creatures its astonishing! How in the hell can you believe that some mystical man in the sky thought of this intricate system? A flick of a wand couldn't make me!
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the end of the world

it's been pretty nasty outside lately, it looks like the end of the world sometimes.

today there was a bit change of plans, but my day is seeming to be working out. I'm going to "work" in about an hour. I don't know if i really consider it work because its only 1 or 2 days a week, and its not for a company, (i'm not selling drugs). i guess being sort-of-nannyish is considered work.

i thought my phone was glitching really bad but i fixed it and enhanced it a little.

I got MGMT's Time To Pretend EP, it's okay. I really like the title track, i'm not big on the vocals but the instrumental is really catchy and good. the video is pretty silly too.

I stayed up until 3 am last night/this morning writing in my new journal. I wrote funny stories about horrifying things that i've been through, or they seemed horrifying at the time. Like losing my virginity, and my dad threatening to kill the guy i liked if he ever came near me again, and an extremely public and embarrassing argument.

the magical amount

i spent all morning with Keith, and i bought some movies.
i learned theres a lot of things I've got to get over within myself. My laughing habits are so embarrassing. I need to stop being so insecure, because its hurting us.

"I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you are near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try anyway"-Puela Quam Amo Est Pulchra

Have you seen the previews for Charlie Bartlett? Its like a mix between Rushmore and Ferris Bueller, looks bad.

For those of you who are fans of We Need Girlfriends, have any of you seen the truth commercial with Henry in it!?

the confidence

I've been feeling pretty confident.

My mom and i felt nauseous all day so we went shopping. I bought some new shoes, red heels to be exact, and they are beautiful.

Last night i couldn't sleep, and was feeling pretty angry so i made an Ultimate Bright Eyes playlist. I told you making lists makes me feel better. I don't know what it is!

Going to the gym...ugh.

So i went to the gym with my dad around 7:45 and we didn't realize it closed at eight, so we went next door to the bar and met up with some of his friends and had a few drinks. it's still awkward drinking around him. the only reason i get away with it there is because he knows people. then we got ice cream.

the rain

i feel like i spent all day in the rain. Candace and i have been soaked since 3.

I've been pissed off and on edge since i had that anxiety attack on Tuesday morning. It might've altered my brain a little.

I have noticed a lot of things between my mom and I recently. I can honestly tell you that i can't remember the last time she touched me. I feel like i haven't hugged her in years. Even when i was 15 I'd ask her to come and lay with me in my bed before i fell asleep just to laugh and have my mom to cuddle with, every once in a while she'd oblige. Ever since she had my sister, it's been weird, and after my brother was born it was even worse. Its like the more kids she had after me, the more we grew apart. I miss it when it was just us two, from what i remember.
I remember it most when I'd have a fever. The thermometer under my tongue, curled up in her blankets, watching cartoons all day.
My pseudo-grandma came up to me the other day while i was eating in the kitchen next to my mom and my brother and she put her hand on my head and played with my hair, admiring how long my hair had gotten since before she'd left, and my mom looked jealous. I'm sure if she'd try to touch me now I'd tell her to fuck off.


Some days I wish i'd never lived past 9.

"You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton,
No more sleepwalking dead,"
You're going to wake from this coma,
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made,
And stop counting on that camera,
That hangs round your neck,
Because it won't ever remember,
What you choose to forget,
As you try to find some source of light,
Try to name one thing you like,
You used to have such a longer list,
And light, you never had to look for it,
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do,
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass,
Before the ice melts away,
This feeling always used to pass,
But seems like it's every day ,
Seems like it's every night now."-A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not
^one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, i always come back to this exact emotion. i guess the title is right.

the sunday smile

Beirut is definately my favorite band at the moment. After browsing Youtube for some live sets i found these videos that a director made of Zach and the band playing in random places around Brooklyn. If you're a fan you should really check them out..HERE!

Zach Condon continues to surprise me with the beautiful music he makes at such a young age. I've never felt so moved by instrumentals alone.

"All I want is the best for our lives my dear,
and you know my wishes are sincere.
But whats to say for the days I cannot bare?"-Sunday Smile

BEIRUT - Sunday Smile from The Flying Club Cup
Uploaded by flyingclubcup

the shower

encore une fois

this morning i had an anxiety attack in the shower. i thought i was dying, it was the scariest thing i've ever been through.

i've had a headache all day and just want to sleep it away.

taking care of my sick baby sister is the only thing keeping me from going insane right now.

" Amy's got a baby in her stomach,
She took my hand I felt it kick ,
So she's crying an glowing ,
She's 3 months and showing ,
Seeing her now makes me want to live ,
....
All the traffic lights blur into a bright bouquet ,
I wish I could just turn and walk away ,
But I can't do it no way ,
Until the birds return for spring cleaning."
-Spring Cleaning Bright Eyes/Neva Dinova

the top five hate list

It's 9:30 in the morning, and I'm awake. It's a miracle, i know! I've already gone to the dentist, and came back. I was super nervous and shaking too much so they could only do 1 filling and now i have to come back for 4 more appointments instead of 3. They let me listen to my headphones which calmed me down a lot, but i was still trying to focus on something in particular. The only thing that kept me from shaking was spelling. I could only spell words that were difficult or that i had to think about. here are some of those words from that list;

Darjeeling (this one was the most effective)
Appointment
Inconclusive
Palahniuk

This visit also inspired me to make a top five list of the things i hate the most, in no specific order;
1. All persons, ideas, and things affiliated with the Westboro Baptist Church made famous for their "God Hates Fags" campaign.
2. Everything to do with the Dentist and it's extreme sterileness*, latex, and drills.
3. Waking up before 10
4. Waking up after 12
5. Taxes

*Note: This will be the third word i've invented since starting this blog*

i used to connect with at least one person in my house, that being my sister. now that she's getting older i can't stand to be around her. half of the things i do, she tells on me for. we used to play around and fight each other, now her side of the game is trying to get me to be as violent as possible so she can go and cry to her mommy about how mean i am. she annoys the shit out of me 80% of the time, and the minute i want to annoy her, i get in trouble. i stay in my room 90% of the time at home because everyone is so fucking ridiculous. and the worst part is that no one ever fucking knocks.

fuck everyone right now, 121 days until my liberation.

the morning

i can't fucking take this shit anymore i don't know what to do. 10 hours ago i was content, making jokes, then i fell asleep. i wake up to this fucking bullshit and want to scrap every plan i made today just to sit here and cry about it.

i wish i was going to New York, i want to leave.

I don't know what you expect from me.

It's bullshit that I'm not good enough though, fuck that. I am better than this shit, i am fucking better than this. I'm not fighting for your attention anymore.

"You can leave me on corner,
where you found me,
I'm not for sale anymore."

its not bright eyes, but it fits, fuck off.
oh my god. i've turned into jealous needy girlfriend, kill me.


Edit://
i thought today couldn't get any worse.
my parents have planned a huge camping trip to Mt.Shasta with a whole bunch of family from a bunch of other states, on the exact dates of my 18th birthday. I definately don't want to be stuck with a bunch of family in a cabin on the biggest birthday of them all. I even questioned my mom and she said, "well us and all of them weren't thinking about your birthday when we planned this." Maybe they could at least reschedule? No, their stupid fucking vacation comes before my 18th birthday. I'm not going. I'm going to stay here and rage until i can't see anymore.

The Best Page In The Universe

I hadn't visited The Best Page In the Universe in a while, but i did tonight. His new comments on Crocs have reassured my conscience that i am not a total asshole for thinking everyone who owns a pair should set themselves on fire.

(I can also thank Vincent for introducing me to Maddox last year with the Alphabet of Manliness.)

So, it's about 2 in the morning. I have 28% of remaining battery power on my computer, which means i have approximately 51 minutes to complain about how i did absolutely nothing productive today besides watching a movie while simultaneously braiding my hair and eating apple jacks. Oh! Joaquin also gave me the idea to make a Valentines Day playlist. I did that, too.

Right this very second Pseudo Grandparents walked in the door home from El Salvador, they've been gone for a month and are probably extremely jet-lagged. i thought about hiding in their closet when i heard the car pull up, just to throw some confetti and welcome them back to the living hell that has consumed this house. But then i weighed the probability of a heart attack, and decided against it considering i cheated when i was certified for CPR.

I just stumbled upon this gem of a website, which proves to me there are still funny people on earth that i wanted to be friends with.

the movies

i've been watching a lot of movies lately, since the video store has a super selection of foreign movies, i wanted to watch all of them. i was on a roll, about 8 or so this week. that is until they eliminated their deal of 5 dvds for 5.41. I now have to pay 3.50 PER dvd, which i guess is reasonable, but most of them are not new releases. So, I've made the decision to switch to Netflix. Here's what i've watched this past week though.

(not foreign)
Junebug (i want to be ashley's friend)
Rushmore (early Wes Anderson)
The King (so so twisted.)
(foreign)
Amores Perros (One of my favorites now, such a great story.)
Volver (also a new favorite, so many twists!)
Bad Education (i was so turned off after i watched this, but you would've never seen it coming)
Y Tu Mama Tambien (New favorite, i can't believe Diego Luna did dirty dancing 2 afterwards)
The Motorcycle Diaries (Made me excited for my trip to Peru. It was intriguing to see the history of young Che, before all the guerrilla/revolution stuff.)

there was another but i forgot what it was. This is what I've got for the weekend;
-Thumbsucker
-L'Enfants

Gael Garcia Bernal is in half of all of those movies listed. I think the worst one out of the ones i watched already was Bad Education, but i actually really liked it. I'm waiting for a really shitty one to come along here.

"This TV is old, the color is fucked, do you see the difference in the shades? But the green is still close to green, my love, And I believe we are the same, And we’ll stay like this, all gold and green, The light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen."-The Difference In the Shades


Here's whats on my list of things to rent in the future (from Netflix);
Au Revoir, Les Enfants
Maria Full Of Grace
Elephant
Curse of the Golden Flower(looks pretty)
Me and You and Everyone We Know (can't find it anywhere)
Broken Flowers
Everything Is Illuminated (I read the damn book just so i could see it)
Sweet Sixteen
All About My Mother
The Squid and The Whale
Babel
Amen
21 Grams
Goodbye, Lenin!
The Lives of Others
Delicatessen

Any recommendations?

The Race

One day, I'm going to drive myself absolutely insane with all of these over-analyzations. No matter how hard i try to trust, I can't, and I know this is only going to hurt me in the long run. The saddest part is that it has nothing to do with you, it's completely inside of me. I don't bring it up anymore with you because I hate to bother you with it when i know its neither your fault or something you can fix. I will lose to this, i know it. I hate my mind and how it races, that's why i can never sleep. And thats why I'm awake at 1:30 in the morning writing about something that has and always will be an internal conflict.

"But as for me I'm coming to my final failure,
I've killed myself with changes trying to make it better,
But I still ended up becoming something other,
Than what I had planned to be."-A Perfect Sonnet

I couldn't cry, so i watched videos of Heath Ledger, and that did it.

To tell you the truth, out of all the things i'm afraid of, I'm the most scared of dying and other people around me dying before i do. The entire idea of someone being there and now they aren't, makes me so depressed and scared, even when i didn't know them. I can't believe you told me I was stupid for being afraid of death. Maybe you weren't because thats what you really wanted all along.

"Because that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept,
You are here and then you're gone."-A Perfect Sonnet

I can feel a sad rut coming on, bear with me.

the annoying

Everyone and everything is annoying the hell out of me today. It's mostly my mom, mumbling art snob teachers, and unfunny people who think they're hilarious.

Some days, I love my mom to death. Other days, i don't want to be within a 25 foot radius of her, or any place where she may be heard and/or seen. The worst part about not driving is that she is always waiting for me, and when i don't get service in my classroom's building, it is the end of the world because she won't know how long she'll be waiting. I'd been out for 5 minutes before i had 3 voice mails and 5 text messages asking where i was. I mean really, it's not like i was out at a party getting wasted off my ass and waiting for her to come pick me up because i couldn't afford a cab. I was in school all morning! I can't control the fact that you showed up ten minutes early. I've been waiting a long time for her to calm the fuck down and stop treating me like i'm 11, the least she could do was wait five minutes.

I get in the car and she asks me to babysit tomorrow morning, but i also have to babysit for her at 3 tomorrow afternoon. Fine, alright I'll do it. We are driving back and she asks me to wait in the car with my brother so she can run into Ross to get an outfit for an interview tomorrow. Fine, alright I'll wait. Finally we get home and she asks me if i have any sweatpants to wear around the house instead of pajama pants. What the hell is the difference? No, I don't and i will not. Then she asks to borrow my favorite softest black scarf that i brought back with me from the house in New Mexico last year. So i look for it and hand it to her, but caution that she might want to wash it first because i wore it in Oregon and got it dirty but haven't cleaned it yet. She then has the nerve to make a face and ask what the stain/clump is. I'm sorry i didn't have it royally prepared and washed for you, i was busy doing you other favors.

All of the above stated events make me want to tear my hair out and throw it in her face then ask her if she needs any more favors and if she'd like me to change into an outfit for sitting around on my ass. Meanwhile, i will drown my face in a cup of tea (good thing i have archive footage of this action, i do it quite often. i can't wait to get up new pictures again.)

It was so different when i was little, she was my best friend. I don't know if it's her or me that has changed, maybe its us both. We've both grown up. She was always there to brush my hair in the mornings, and now I've cut it short i don't need to brush it anymore. I think it's symbolic.

"You said you hate my suffering.
And you understood,
And you’d take care of me,
You'd always be there,
Well where are you now?"- Haligh, Haligh, a Lie, Haligh

the aspirations

After watching Junebug, it made me want to make a list of my priorities/goals/wants/needs. I don't know why, but i just felt like i needed to make a list of things i want to attain.
Maybe its the fact that Ashley was having her baby so young and I identified more with Madeline. As a kid, i dreamed of having a family of my own to care for. Children, a husband, a dog, a house. Even up until Junior year that is what i wanted. I don't know what clicked inside of me, but it did. I had the choice to set aside all of my goals and stay there in New Mexico, get married at 19, raise children, ignore my aspirations. Essentially, thats the choice i was given. I'm not complaining, i was in no way forced or pushed into staying there.
I left for me, because i knew that there were bigger things i could do, and they weren't going to happen for me in New Mexico. I've struggled with the fact that i left, all the things i lost and left behind. I'm finally coming to this point though, (and i don't forgive myself because there is no forgiveness to be given), i have no one to apologize to.

I am who i am because if what i will do, not who i have been. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Here is my list in no specific order,(which has been slightly altered due to that fact that my college plans have gone haywire, and have to be organized a little).
1. Go to Peru/South America with pseudo grandparents this summer
2. Move out from my parents by the end of this year, (preferably by next fall semester).
3. Give Carrie and Shelby a chance, (i can forgive but i won't forget.)
4. Spend a month in Europe, (who knows when this will ever happen, but i can dream.)
5. Get my driver's license.
6. Get my first tattoo, (hopefully the day i turn 18), of this picture above. It's a drawing by Jeff Mangum, singer of Neutral Milk Hotel who made one of my all time favorite songs/albums, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The picture has always reminded me of my brother and sister, so i'll always have them with me wherever luck takes me. I feel almost bad that I'm not getting a Bright Eyes tattoo first, seeing as he's written a song for every emotion I've ever felt, but i think this is more important. (Seeing as that is true, and there wont be any pictures for a while, I think I'll post a Bright Eyes lyric every day for how i felt.)
7. Stop being so insecure and paranoid, (i don't know when this will ever end.) Also, stop feeling like i'm not good enough. I'm not perfect, but i've never killed anyone. I didn't get any scholarships, but i graduated. I'm pretty alright.
8. Try to accept the fact that everyone i fall in love with isn't trying to hurt me. I constantly feel like i have to watch my own back when i comes to love. Most likely because i know how easy it is to hurt someone, because I've done it, and i know how easy it is for someone to hurt me. (If anyone I've ever loved reads this blog, I'm sorry for the things i did to you both, whether it was horribly disloyal or incredibly juvenile and ridiculous, I'm sorry. But it doesn't mean i never loved you.)
9. Stop laughing when I'm angry to hide the fact that i'm really mad. Also, stop being so sarcastic during important conversations, it doesn't help the situation, and i know this because my mom does it and it annoys me.
10. Answer my phone.
11. Learn French, and brush up my Spanish skills, (mire el numero uno! porque lo necesitare!) I think spending a month in a Spanish speaking country will help, too. I only hope that SOMEONE speaks English besides my pseudo-grandparents, i can't only talk to them for a month.
12. memento mori!
13. Go to India
14. Tell you i love you more, because i mean it.

and here is one for you.
15. hold my hands, tie my arms around you, anything just to keep you closer. i love you more than you know. Even when you are hard on yourself, i know how amazing you are. I'm just afraid someone else might find out, too.


listing makes me feel better, it might make you feel it too.

Sometimes i think this is how everyone else might feel about me.
"Never trust a heart thats so bent it can't break."

the wacky day

my first day of college was also the day of my first car accident. But don't worry, Candace and I are alive. We are living proof that reckless old lady drivers shouldn't get behind the wheel.

Heath Ledger died, what a shame. I'm truly sad about it.

I hate not being liked, and I'm sad about that too.

Family drama is so stupid. Why can't she see that no matter how manipulative she is, she will never tear us apart. You are only included by marriage, woman. Using my grandma's technological incapabilities against her, is unfair.

I want to sleep until all of this blows over.

the head down

im down today, and no, i don't want to talk about it.

back to school tomorrow.

i learned how to play my favorite cat power song on the piano, and i'm learning passenger seat by death cab. if i get my camera fixed, i'll record it and get my "music page" back together. i feel like such an idiot.

the train

i took Amtrak to go visit Keith in Davis yesterday. I had the best day I've had in a while, there was lots of walking, talking, cuddling, singing, and laughing. He rode the train back with me and we partied to my iPod.

hahahhahaahaha

i feel closer to you now more than ever. i love you so incredibly much, and if you ever doubt it again for one single second, i will fight you. you make me so happy, after a series of horribly unhappy weeks, yesterday made up for it. just lying there next to you made me smile. i miss you already but i have your sweater and it makes me feel alright. i love you beyond a reason.

come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love. i want to tell you, how much i love you.

the irony

i went to the dentist's office this morning, again. i wont go into detail but i will tell you i ran into someone with a strange connection to me. The receptionist and i were talking about moving places and we both mentioned that we lived in Hawaii. It eventually turned out that we lived in the same city and went to the same high school. She was in the first graduating class, then i came a year later as a freshman. Its so ironic that she went to my, at the time, tiny high school and now we meet in a tiny dentist's office in another state. The world is truly a small, small place.

afterwards and i went to babysit, which i am considering my new job, because I'm doing it more often than i thought. I don't mind at all, because she pays me twice what i was getting at my previous job, to play with her kids and do some dishes. i made 80 dollars today for 5 hours, PLUS she bought us lunch. i was broke up until today, because i bought that new phone and then i spent 90 dollars on tickets for Keith and I to see Justice in March.

Tomorrow I'm going to Davis to visit Keith and i have to take the train, I'm nervous.

the long morning

My day really started at 2am, I couldn't sleep because I started hearing stuff upstairs like someone was breaking into the house so I went to sleep with my mom, but my brother and sister best me too it, I ended up on the floor. my dad came into the room at 7 in the morning and he hit me in the head with the door and asked me what the hell I was doing, I was too tired to explain so I just said "its a longgg story."then I had to wake up and watch my brother while my mom was out.I got jacked up on coffee for 10 minutes and then felt like dying.

the new phone

i bought a blackberry pearl! and she is so so sweet.

the minutes

within 3 minutes, my day went from alright and casual to horrible and keeping me back from my ultimate goal.

due to miscommunication with the operator at Parsons, i am illegible to apply this year.
When i asked her the deadline for admissions she told me March 1st, the actual deadline admission is February 1st and the deadline for FASFA admissions is March 1st, I found this out online. I have yet to take the SAT until March, so it is impossible for me to apply. If she would've just told me the right date, i could've applied, i would've taken the SAT earlier. So now that my dream school is completely out of the question for this year, i have to make other plans.

My grandma called me minutes after this horrible news was discovered only to tell my that my biological father called her and left a message on her answering machine with his phone numbers.

please, no one give me shit today. i am officially depressed.

this cheered me up

the photobooth

Waves.tv is awesome!

the new camera

Meiling is so adorable and confusing and fragile.
I named her Meiling because its supposed to mean beautiful and delicate in Chinese, where she was first born.

i came home from Portland this morning, im ready to pass out and its only 8!

the civility

there is some hostile feelings between my family members here today, its a long story thats been going on a for a while now. after last night's phone call to a missing piece of me, and talking to keith, we both realized how important family really is. i hate to see my uncles not getting along, i wish we could all just sit in the same room together again like when i was a kid.
but lately, more than ever, i realize things are a lot different from when i was i kid.

i talked to Carrie last night, i cried a little, but kept my firm angry stance. I asked why it took her so long to call, and why her son never did. She kept refering to him as my "dad," i had to stop and correct her, he is not my dad, as far as i'm concerned we aren't even the slightest bit related. your blood may flow through mine, but i am not yours to throw away and 15 years later be picked out of the trash and expected to be okay with it.

she wants a relationship but at this point, its too late. No effort was made to find me until i was 16 years old. How do you expect me to forgive and forget all the years my mom and i lived paycheck to paycheck, above a locksmith, in and out of my grandma's house, and fatherless. I have such fucked up issues within myself, a huge insecurity that everyone i love will leave, and because of that i'm extremely needy.

I have never once used the excuse of half of my biological family out of the picture, to cover up for my mistakes, or things i've done to other people. And anyone who uses their childhood as an excuse for anything you've personally done or caused wrong, is pathetic and can't take the heat of their own consequences.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, i was always surrounded by people i loved and people who loved me. yeah, my mom had boyfriends that came and went, but no matter what, I always came first. I remember when i first learned to tie my shoes. I would watch my uncle Shaun do it, and i'd practice just by sight, until i finally got it. Thats how i've learned almost everything i know. I was led by example from everyone in my family, and today, i'm a little bit of each and every one of them.
I look like my grandma and my mom, they both taught me how to be creative.
My uncle Tommy taught me how to ride a Jetski, and what its like to fear anything that chases after you. Damn your godzilla slippers!
My uncle Shaun taught me about music, and having your own mind, making your own path.
My grandma taught me how to run and install programs on a computer, we started building them when i was 5. he also taught me how to procrastinate and be late for everything you must be on time for.


as much as i needed that phone call, i need my family more.

the changes

when i get home, i'm going to try and be more respectful to my mom, no matter how ridiculous she might get, obeying her might do me some good in the long run. it'll kill me to start a new "yes" relationship with her, but this "no," one isn't working.

i called her but it was busy, i'm trying back in a few minutes. my anxiousness has turned to anger and i'm not holding anything back. why should I? if she wants to have any sort of relationship with me, we've got to get a few things out of the way first.

What baffles me is that she is the one calling when it's not her responsiblity. Apparently she doesn't even talk to my biological father anymore, i'm beginning to not see a point in this. If you want to know someone, don't ask their mother, they'll always be the sweetest person on earth. But only nice people die, i guess.

the call

i don't know if i'm ready for this.


the longer i'm without you, the more and more i feel alone, but only about a week more until i visit.

im empty.

the sleeping pills

my body doesn't respond well to them apparently.
i've been falling asleep around 4 in the morning lately, so i took one not last night, but the night before. i fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 9:30, i thought this was working out great, i felt a little groggy but i was awake early. i felt completely exhausted all day, if i sat down i'd fall asleep. so last ight i fell asleep alright, but this morning i couldn't wake up, and finally got out of bed at 2.

my body hates me, and doesn't want sleep.

Justice is going on tour to SF in March, i will be there.

i need something new i my life, i'm not sure what it might be. i can't wait to get home and make some changes between myself, my family, and my future. i used to be scared of the coming months, but im just going to ride it out. New York has been my dream since 8th grade, i shouldn't be afraid of it. It will happen if i want it to.

the guarded information

i'm so glad that i'm away from my mother, since all of the new information i've found out about my other half makes me want to throw her from an overpass into a truck full of chickens carrying the bird flu virus.

i'm calling my biological dad's mother when i get back, no matter how much it hurts her. as far as i'm concerned, she doesn't deserve my sympathy anymore.

the hilarity

girls stooping low to get who they want, fail.
i might be in portland now, but its what they call a vacation.
believe me, i'll be back.

the relaxing

i've forgotten what it feels like to have nothing to do.
my calender says, "no events in the next 7 days," which makes me relaxed.
But also freaked, because i don't know what to do with myself.

vacation is nice, portland is cold, it might snow tomorrow.
i hear the bay area is dying, good thing i'm missing it.
Augustine is apparently still alive.

I have tons of paint in my hair, but i refuse to wash it.
i won't see keith until the 19th, absence makes the heart grow fonder?
hmph.

the much needed vacation

i leave for Portland in 8 hours, 4 of which will be spent sleeping, 2 hours standing in lines, and another 2 hours in an aeroplane.

But, it is not over the sea.


i am confused and baffled by my immediate future, friendships, relationships, and all those other ships. i'm scared, i'm hoping my grandma will have the answers again.

i think you might be right about him waiting to show up for so many years because he really doesn't care. no one has said that to me before, but i think its the truth.

the new year

the first of the year didn't start off too great, but it could've been worse.
last night i stayed home with my sister, my parents came home drunk 20 minutes before midnight and we celebrated with Dick Clark. Sadly, that man of greatness is getting old, it made me sad.
Keith called at 12:05 to say happy new year.
Got text messages from David, and Jenn around 12:10,
and an extremely incoherent phone call from Nick and Zach, needless to say it was quite hilarious.

Had a change of plans this morning, so i just sat around all day, i haven't showered, eaten, or left the house. This day does not foreshadow my year, though.
I have so many things to do and so many things to prepare for.
When my pseudo Grandparents get back from El Salvador on the 19th, I'm going to ask them about their trip to Peru, they go every summer for about 3 weeks. They've asked me to go before but i was too young then.
I have to sign up and take the SATs, find a new job, save 600 dollars for the camera, apply to college, get through Skyline, and walk the stage for my official diploma.
I feel like 2008 will be completely non-stop, no time to sit around and slack anymore.

Nothing is going to stand in my way this year, not you, not my parents, and not my freshman year grades. I simply do not have time.

im pissed and just want some ice cream.

im going to start asking you questions because no one ever comments!
i am typical...what is your new years resolution?
mine is to save money.

the last day of the year

my 150th post is also my last post of 2007.
i think I've grown up the most this year, but there is still so much more to learn. i know 2008 will be the year of complete growth, i'll be turning 18, hopefully going to college, and moving out, moving on.

If its one thing I've learned today, which can be applied to the entire year is, don't search for things you don't want to find.

Instead of my trip to Germany next summer i think I'll go to Peru with my pseudo Grandparents. It'll be cheaper and I'll be escorted around by secret service, but i can't tell you why.

Happy New Year!

some pictures..
this mine and my sister's F YOU to 2007 BOOOOO

Our woohoo to 2008!


Three generations(ish) of premenstrual syndrome


My dad's New Years gift to me

the horse

i accomplished nothing today besides some writing on my script, and i made an entire pony by hand. my nimble fingers are aching. it took me 2 hours but it was well worth it, his name is Safran. My mom brought me home a goldfish today too, her name is Augustine.

the insomnia begins

i can't sleep because i took a nap from 6pm to 8:45pm and it is now 1:13am.
I decided i'd start on my "screenplay" since I've been putting it off and now that i am unemployed i will have plenty of time to finish this task. i put it quotations because i hate that word.
Maybe i will call it my "script," instead. Yes, I've started to write my script.
I highly doubt its any good, but it does have some comedic elements and also some sad ones.
I named my character Beverly, because i want to call her Bev. Her roomate/best friend is named Kate because it sort of is like Candace, but not too much, then it'd be obvious.
As of yet, its called A Year After the Break-Up, but i might have to choose another title seeing as it is extremely close to the blog it was inspired by.
The elements of T's character (the boy) are a combination of all things good and bad i've experienced in previous relationships as well as my current one. I hope no one gets hurt by the fact that i'm writting the script this way.
The first few days were feelings/events i actually went through in various stages of a break-up. Its sort of hard to really portray feelings of being broken up with because it hasn't happened to me since 8th grade. Not to say i haven't been in relationships, i have, with many people, but somehow i am always the one who needs to let go. Didn't any of you ever get tired of me?
I made Kate real typical and spunky in the beginning, but towards the middle i want to develop her character into something more misanthropic and quick witted. Maybe we should use some of my ideas from the movie i want to make about Candace's misadventures.

If you want to read it, let me know and i'll send it you.

edit://
i fell asleep at 5 and woke up at 2:30, what is becoming of me?

the end of a great book/lists

Everything Is Illuminated ended the same way Rules of Attraction did, it makes me angry yet leaves me to wonder what might've been said.
If you don't know what i'm talking about the book(s) end mid-sentence.
Anyways, it was really imaginative and wonderful yet real depressing and smart. I will read another by this author to really determine my verdict on him though.

I might start Persepolis tonight, i have nothing else to do.

Yesterday i went to the city with Keith and spent money on some sweaters and books and a telephone receiver for my cell phone, its cute.

Today was my last day at work, it was sad and liberating, i can't wait to start someplace new.

I also starting doing some listing today at work when it wasn't busy, i tried to name all of the people i've kissed. Sadly, the number is 15. I don't even talk to 9 of them, and most were before Freshman year. I am a horrible horrible person. But, this has encouraged me to start a book of lists, anytime i think of a topic i will write it in this composition and i will have a list of things completely unnecessary. It is a premium idea.

the camera

I babysat yesterday for 6 hours, during that time i discovered her camera. This isn't creepy or anything, i wasn't snooping it was just on the counter. Anyways, i have taken pictures of her little girls before, and i decided i'd snap a few shots of them with her incredible camera, leave the good ones on there for her to find. Its a win win situation, i get to use the camera of my dreams and she gets some good pictures.
The moment i snapped the first frame, the mere sound of the shutter made me go weak. I've wanted the camera she has for a few months now, but this was the first time i actually got to use it. After seeing the incredible pictures i took in just 3 shots, i knew that having this camera will only improve my skills.
I want to study photography in the fall, i've never been so sure of anything.

the lull

its after christmas and everything has gone back to normal, sort of.
every year after the gastly holiday i refuse to clean my room for a while and just have my presents sitting around the room paper everywhere tags and wrappers thrown askew. i've done it for the past four years, why quit now?
my sister is getting her hair cut off as i type this, she is donating her luscious locks to a place that makes wigs for children going through chemotherapy. i know its a great cause and i'm happy that at her age she is willing to cut all of her hair of for charity, but i can't help but be angry at the fact that my mom puts ideas like these into her head. Whether good or bad, she is still trying to turn my sister into a little her. She more than likely did it to me when i was a kid but back then she was only 20 and much more free spirited, and now she's turned into this hidden angst super mom when no one has asked her to be.
I woke up to her screaming at my sister this morning, keep in mind she is 4 and my baby brother is 18 months old. While she was in the shower she asked her to watch him and during that time he fell over and bumped his head on something. Its really not a big deal considering his head is huge and he is always bumping it into things, but my sister, who is 4 years old, didn't know what to do. So, while he is crying at the door of the bathroom my mom is screaming at my sister to do something about it. Long story short, i came out of my room to calm to beast down, which is impossible, so i had a talk with my sister.
I asked her what happened why had mom been screaming all morning and she told me the story of how he bumped his head and she didn't know what to do. When i asked her why she didn't console him she spoke these words with her four year old lips and her 15 year old mind, "I am nobody's mother."

the end of 2007 LISTS!

seriously my favorite time of year is the end because of a new start, new unattainable resolutions, and lists! everyone makes lists, and i love reading them and making them!

Here we go:

FAVORITE ALBUMS 2007:(alphabetically)
-Beirut The Flying Club Cup
-Bright Eyes Cassadaga
-Daft Punk Alive
-Devendra Banhart Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon
-Ed Banger Records Ed Rec. Vol. 2
-Jens Lekman Night Falls Over Kortedala
-Justice +
-M.I.A Kala
-Mirah and Spectratone International Share This Place
-Patton OswaltWerewolves and Lollipops
-Page France ...and the Family Telephone Rang
-Of Montreal Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?
-Oh No! Oh My! Between The Devil and The Sea EP
-Sigur Ros Hvarf/Heim
-Simian Mobile Disco Attack Decay Sustain Release
-St. Vincent Marry Me
-Wilco Sky Blue Sky

FAVORITE ALBUM ART
-Akron/Family Love Is Simple
-Animal Collective Strawberry Jam
-Jens Lekman Night Falls Over Kortedala
-Panda Bear Person Pitch
-Wilco Sky Blue Sky

FAVORITE MOVIES(FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER)
-Wristcutters
-Juno
-Superbad, Knocked Up
-Across The Universe
-Jesus Camp
-La Vie En Rose

FAVORITE BOOKS
-Middlesex
-The Curious Incident of the Dog in Nighttime
-Slaughterhouse-Five
-Catcher In The Rye
-Rules Of Attraction

WORST!!!!!

WORST/OVERRATED/DISSAPOINTING (i only liked about 1 or so songs from these albums, sadly)
-Feist The Reminder(snoreeeee)
-Rilo Kiley Under the Blacklight(sad)
-Modest Mouse We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank(ehh)
-Bjork Volta(Timbaland ruined you!)
-Architecture In Helsinki Places Like This(so disappointing)

the christmas

this christmas was good, got a few things i wanted and a few things i needed. Like, film. Lots and lots of film.

My parents bought me a Diana +, and Keith got one too so now we can match!

I woke up real hung over, i won't go into details of the night before. Needless to say, i walked home drunk and made lots of phone calls. I'm sorry, really.

I've been really snappy lately, towards my family, i don't know if anyone else has been experiencing this from me, but i'm sorry about that too. I guess i'm just angry.

I finished painting keith's christmas presant and took a few pictures outside using my new tripod/animal/knex. it's crazy beyond belief.

the christmas eve

i went shopping early this morning, bought my dad a gift and found a bunch of things on sale for myself. i bought a few shirts at old navy and some movies at best buy. The Life Aquatic will never cease to amaze me. At the current time im trying to get out of going to this party up the block with my parents at someone's house i dont know.

Here are my reasons to avoid it;
1.It's my day off from bullshitting with people i don't know and/or care to know.
2.I'm awkward, socially.
3.My wisdom tooth (singular, i have only one) is growing in.
4.I'm sick.
5.If i have to pretend to love my family for one more second i might have a mental breakdown.

Here are my reasons to go;
1.Free food

"I am going to fight it, but i'll let it live."

i haven't told you all, but i'm starting to write a short film inspired by ayearfollowingthebreakup
you might remember when i found this blog in the summer, well its inspired me to intertwine our creativeness in a screenplay. I've never talked to him before but maybe he'll like to read the script when i'm finished.

the work weekend

the working weekend is over!! saturday was 9 hours, today was 8, i am finally done! I had lots of visitors, some who i haven't seen in ages. Mike and Adam came to see me unexpectantly, i haven't seen them since June. Mike is going to be at Skyline next semester too, so i'll have someone to hang out with. Jesse stopped by too, which is unusual because he stays away from the mall. I'm really going to miss all the girls at work, some i've become really close with and i know that if we were never forced to be together we would've never been friends. I remember when i first met Cherry, i thought she hated me, and i never really talked to Erin much, but now we're good friends.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, but i don't have to work, HURRAH!

Not one person said "Happy Holidays" to me today, it was all "Merry Christmas", what if i was Jewish?

EDIT://11.24pm
do you want to know why i really i hate the holidays? because it brings out the fucking worst in human nature.
if i'm suddenly rude to my mom she calls me ungrateful, she hasn't fucking given me anything yet and she calls me ungrateful. People buy you things to use it against you, its fucking stupid and i wish i didn't have to buy shit for my family i know they'll return anyways.
I fucking hate her so much, we haven't gotten along since i was 12 and i have a feeling this will never end. Coming home to her for the past 5 years isn't scary or anything, its fucking ridiculous. her rules and logic never make any fucking sense. i bought her something nice for christmas to show her that i give a fuck sometimes when she talks, now i wish i hadn't bought her anything.
Shes ungrateful for not being humble to the fact that I, and everyone else in this fucking house, put up with her idiot antics every god damn day.

the womyn's coats

i skipped a post, ironically on the day when i needed to release my inner frustrational energy. (write that down, i just invented "frustrational")

i spent almost all day with keith, roaming around eating pizza almost buying lots of crazy uneeded things. I bought some books though, we saw a horrible movie, The Savages. We sat by the ice rink in Embarcadero and talked and listened and sort of solved a manic problem i conjured in 5 minutes. My brain sometimes, is no use to me.

this picture sums up everything i love, San Francisco and You.

the cake

i was covered in cake for 9 hours today, my friends brought it and coated me in it.
That was after i accidentally offended everyone in my economics class during my final presentation.
all in all, an extremely long day.

tomorrow is my last day of high school, i will cry.

the words

someone was really harsh to me today, a friend. what they said made me cry, but it needed to be heard, i needed someone to say it to me.
everything will suck for while, but i need to face it.

im really sad to be leaving my friends at school, only 2 days left.

Jesse and I finished our final video.

the numbness

its freezing, good thing i was inside all day at work.

went in in the morning, came out in the night.
Got left.
thought someone stole money from me, but it was just my brain.
bought Jesse a christmas present on a whim.
learned how to count to three in 5 languages.

Bought 4 movies last night, watched two. I have a final to do today.
-Science of Sleep
-Eternal Sunshine
-Memoirs of a Geisha
-Virgin Suicides

"baby don't go away, please."

the pants

im disgusting,
my brain is falling apart,
and i don't know what to do.

the overwhelming days

whoever you knew you could feel everything you've never wanted to feel, at once?
I have 4 days of high school left, forever, and im scared out of my mind. I'm have absolutely no time to do any of my finals, im stressed. My group in Economics has diminished to me doing all the work because no one cares or shows up. These last two days i've just needed someone to talk to, someone to hold my hand, someone lie with. I called Jake crying last night, i didn't know who else to talk to.

No more soccer in p.e., no more ceramics, no more Jesse in Film class, or Nick in Drama. I've thrown myself into growing up, this is what i've been wanting, to leave all those stupid people behind and forget high school, move on. I can"t do this.

Im so depressed and and scared and stressed and its these days when i wish i could've just been invisible.

the dust

she might not've had the internet back in her day, but we connect on a heartbreaking level today.

left in the dust in the dust in the dust in the dust.
sometime more likely later than sooner, i'll get over the fact that girls can never see the line I've drawn around you. They never know when they've crossed it. I give up on getting mad over this, its not solving anything, clearly, and I don't think its funny.

i talked to Jake for 40 minutes last night, kept me up, and then i passed out around 12:30. I went over to Jesse's to do our final for film after school, we took five hours to watch boogie nights and go through each other's shit.

I've been listening to Butterfly all week, i can't get over how beautiful this song is.
"Maybe I need fantasy
Life of chasing butterfly"
when i stop being a jerkoff about fixing and getting back on my guitar, i'll play it and sing it to myself.

I tried to listen to Campfire Kansas today, i still can't without crying. It reminds me of a really happy time in my life, and also moving away. We cried to that song.

the official day

today i officially, and formally, quit my tiresome job. believe me, it was for the best. 1 year 3 months slaving for people who hate me for being apart of their Manila away from Manila. I officially finished reading Running With Scissors at around 1 in the morning, it was really funny, i wouldn't call it a favorite though, more of just a casual 3-day-read.
This morning i was so angry about how stressed i was that i shed a tear in my film class, no one saw it though. Jesse was there to make me laugh, so things got better. I finished the first firing stage of my mosaic in ceramics, and i will hopefully have it done (glazed, glued, and grouted) by next Thursday.

Congrats to West 44 by the way!!

the 505

(Im glad i cooled down a few minutes before i wrote this because i was about to go on a rampage about how much i hate everything about living in the same house with toddlers and seniles.)

Maybe moving here wasn't such a good idea, i've met some great people and everything, but if i just would've stayed i wonder how much different my life would've turned out. Before the summer of Junior year, i wish they would've never messed up my schedule so i wouldn't have gotten mad and made this impulsive decision. I missed Jake a lot today, just us hanging out watching cartoons and fucking around in his room while he played the drums. Its been a while since i felt comfortable in one place, and thats the last time i remember feeling like myself. I don't feel like i've grown, i feel like i've stayed the same person, regression, moving here has stuck me in a lull of growing.

I miss sitting in my green room on my big bed or at my stupid computer desk i put together the same night that i realized how great Mates Of State were. Or seeing hot air balloons every morning. I miss my dog we had to give away, the one that i loved, he was mine, sleeping in my room with his head on my lap while i sent a million text messages to Jake about how i refused to get him n00ds of my cousin. I miss the unusual snow, and the way my garage door got stuck when it was too cold. Or eating green chili on anything, absolutely anything. Or attempting to make cupcakes in my orange/baby blue fiesta kitchen. Or that one day my dad tried to kill Jake, and the whole rest of the days when we talked about it. Or playing with goldie and getting driven home on that dark unpaved Corrales road.

I miss living in the middle of nowhere with no where to go or any places to be. (except maybe stealing a cake from cold stone)

"I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain't never coming back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Today, crying, was the only thing i was okay with.

the ridiculous finals

i have a performance final for both Drama and Film, that asshole is making us do the same project in both classes. I despise doing poetry slams, poetry makes me want to kill myself most of the time, i just don't like it. I'd rather read you an excerpt from a book that meant something real without the use of metaphors.

You know what else i'd like? For someone to play and sing me Butterfly by Weezer, i think i'd die if anyone ever did. My hair has grown so i can put it up now, its so weird. Today i'm feeling a little out of it, like im not really here, im just breathing and walking, an empty basket if you will.
My top artist on Last.Fm this week was Sufjan Stevens! p.s. Eisley sucks, i can't believe i used to actually listen to this. Awkward Things I Say To Girls hasn't updated in a while, i'm getting a bit anxious. I wonder how many times i can change the subject in one paragraph.



I got a Christmas card in the mail today from Candace! I love you!

the belittlement

no one has ever made me feel like such a worthless piece of shit, like you did today. Mom, one day you'll know that i've been going through more shit in the last 3 years than you could ever comprehend. My job is not a joke, and my life is not a joke, no matter how much saying it makes you feel better about yourself. I'll better than you, someday soon.

Baby, all i want is for some sort of magic to lift you up and keep you safe. My hands can only reach so far, please be careful. I love you more than you'll ever know.

the christmas playlist!

i made this cover!
as far as my "Happy Fucking Holdiays" playlist goes, its coming along nicely. some of the artists are a tad lame, but necessary. you cannot get enough of a blink-182 christmas. i am not done compiling this list! im only on page 21 of absolutepunk.net's christmas music thread!

my favorites are in bold!!

Adam Sandler-Hanukkah Song
Beck-Little Drum Machine Boy
Belle&Sebastian-The Twelve Days of Christmas
Ben Kweller-Rock of Ages
Blink-182-I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Blink-182-Happy Holidays, You Bastard
Bright Eyes-Blue Christmas
Bright Eyes-White Christmas
Cartel-Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Casiotone For the Painfully Alone-Cold White Christmas
Cindy Lauper-Santa Baby
Chris Walla-Coventry Carol
Coldplay-Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Copeland-Do You Hear What I Hear?
Death Cab For Cutie-Christmas(Baby Please Come Home)
The Decemberists-Please Daddy(Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
The Format-Holly Jolly Christmas
Good Charlotte-Christmas By the Phone
Hanson-Merry Christmas Baby
Hellogoodbye-Winter Wonderland
Joey Ramone-Merry Christmas(I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
Joey Ramone-What A Wonderful World
John Lennon-Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
My Chemical Romance-All I Want For Christmas Is You
Pedro The Lion-The First Noel
Phantom Planet-Winter Wonderland
Phantom Planet-Carol Of the Bells
Ramones-A Punk Rock Christmas
Rooney-Merry Xmas Everybody
Run DMC-Christmas In Hollis
Rilo Kiley-Xmas Cake
Sufjan Stevens-That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!
Sufjan Stevens-Holy, Holy, Holy
Weezer-The Christmas Song
Weezer-Christmas Celebration
Wham!-Last Christmas(I Gave You My Heart)- - ->completely necessary.
White Stripes-Candy Cane Children
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone-Baby Its Cold Outside

any suggestions?

i will upload this to rapidshare sometime soon, look out for it!

the mickey avalon attraction

its so weird, i have no idea where on earth this comes from. i find him oddly attractive in the freakiest nastiest sort of ways. i think it might be the tattoos and the whole "fuck you i fuck everything that walks i used to be a prostitute" thing. Seriously, the man has "Thank You" tattooed above his penis.

the weezer reunion

i can finally listen to Weezer again without feeling like a total dick, don't ask.
So i spent all day listening to Pinkerton, then during babysitting we cleaned up listening to The Beatles.

in an effort to bring some christmas into my life this season, i started making a christmas playlist. Which consists of Bright Eyes, and Sufjan Steven's holiday albums and a few festive tracks by Mew, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, and Death Cab. Death Cab For Cutie's version of "Christmas(Baby Please Come Home)" completely says how i feel about now.

i woke up this morning to 7 text messages from people i care about, it cheered me up. I woke up sad, it was completely ridiculous and Anita was sad too so we had a sad rainy day.

i made 110 tax free dollars babysitting for 6 hours. Which means watching Shrek, eating Chinese food, and watching SLC Punk! after they fell asleep. Compared to this, my real job is complete hell.

I have to study for my economics test right quick, but incase you were wondering the Daft Punk helmet i made in ceramics is done. Here is the rest of the world's first glance!(It cracked, i know.)

the hiatus

sorry its been a few days. i seriously haven't had time enough for sleep, let alone updating this unread blog!

I went to the pre screening of Juno monday night at Embarcadero Theater which was completely amazing, expecially when Michael and Ellen sang in the end, it was so adorable. Definitely one my favorites of 2007. I got a whole bunch of free things too, shirts, pens, stickers.

I've been working and schooling non-stop the last two days, napping in the car on the way to and from, i wish i was joking. I went to the dentist yesterday in between school and work, horrible bloody experience. and when i say bloody, i don't mean it in the European sense of the word, i mean actual blood was involved, from my mouth.

some people really disgust me in how much they involve themselves in other people's lives, i mean seriously, its getting creepy.

tomorrow i will be babysitting all day after school.

my knees are all fucked up again.


The Long Goodbye-El Scorcho(Weezer Cover) oh how i love you more and more michael cera..

the 24 hours of Michael Cera

i had an 8 hour shift at work today, got home around nine and decided to finish up watching season 2 of arrested development. (my favorite episode so far has been s2ep16) When i get home from school tomorrow i'll watch season 3, its fairly short. Then at 6 we'll leave to see the Juno screening at Embarcadero Theater! I couldn't be more excited. Maybe i'll throw in a couple Clark & Michael episodes during ceramics when i have nothing to do...

the first day of the christmas month

look how happy he is now that the tree is up!
if everyday was like today, seeing you, loving you, kissing you, squeezing you; i'd never have any excuse to be angry or sad. i know every time we make fun of each other its out of pure love! its hard not being able to see you very often, but its days like these that make up for all of the time we spend apart. i love San Francisco, especially when its cold, but i love you more. one day we'll be able hang around in our basketball shorts watching movies, reading books, building things out of silly putty, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes whenever you want to.

i love you so much