The Renaissance Year

I have a topic to write, something I've been pondering a while.

       This year I have declared as my "Personal Renaissance." After a break-up in February I vowed to be single for the rest of the year. I have been a serial dater since boys started noticing me. Now at the age of 23 I have really come out of my awkward and angst filled teenage years, I am independent, I have a career, I view myself differently, I see myself as a woman. For the first time in my life men were coming up to me at the gym, carrying my laundry, and chasing me down in parking lots to ask me for my number. I never know how to react. My first instinct is always "Me?". Sometimes they are pleasant and sometimes they are awful, either way the attention was strange but it gave me a little confidence. At the same time I also started exercising, eating strict and well, and also kicking ass at my new job; I felt amazing, and everyone else could see it too.

    Naturally I began dating, a few I met randomly as strangers, some were old friends. Some were just a few dates and others took a little more meaning. I enjoyed the simplicity of not being attached, all in good fun, no expectations.

Guy #1: He is a travelin' music man I have know since I was 14, I have always been totally in love with him, he is one of my best friends. Every couple months he strolls through town and we have brief but wonderful dates of hand holding and familiar high school kisses. We never talk about what our relationship is or what it will or won't be, it's just there. We keep each other updated and talk on the phone every so often.

Guy #2: I met this guy at the gym, he had been trying to get my number for months when I started going there but I thought it was some kind of a cruel joke because he was this handsome built black man with the most charming and persuasive face I've ever known. We started hanging out, watching movies together, spending the night, working out together. He had a girlfriend that lived in Southern California, I knew it was casual between us, but his girlfriend had no clue that he was with other women. She would call or facetime and I would have to hide or be quiet, it totally creeped me out and at point I decided I was not into it anymore. We actually became really good friends, we still worked out together and gave each other advice. I still call him with guy dilemmas from time to time. 

Guy #3: This boy I met at work. He was 2 years younger than me but I could've guessed 4. I always had a thing for him so we got wasted, obviously, and slept together one night. We never text during the day or call to see how the day went, we only drank together and spent the night. Always at the same place, always the same situation. I don't know if he needed drunk courage to make a  move or just really wasn't into me that much. I will never know. We never once talked about the grey area we drunkenly floated in a couple times a month. I relocated for a job and we haven't really spoken since. 

Guy #4: This guy was my neighbor in my home town, we had known each other since high school and made-out behind some trees back then. We came back in contact when I moved back to the west coast from Upstate New York and had a few really amazing dates. I took a few days off of work to drive out for his birthday in San Francisco and I saw him a few times after that. He talked about coming to visit me and text pretty often until one day it stopped. I came into the city to play my first show with a ukulele, invited him and he never came, not even a "hey sorry, couldn't make it out" text, just nothing. My mom embarrasses me by hanging out with his mom in town and talking about our brief affair, but neither of them knew it ended so fucked up. Beyond all the adult fun we were having, I thought we were more on the friends side of things. How could you do that to someone you've known so long?  I guess I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. 

Guy #5: This guy I dated for a couple months when I first came back to California. When he found out I was coming back he immediately started the fury of daily on-going text conversations and it kept going like that for a while. I spent every weekend I could with him but the distance was too much. (Plus I had the hots for someone at work who I ended up being in a relationship with). We started seeing each other again at the end of spring and  it was going well again, we had to talk about the awkwardness that was left when I broke it off the year prior and we didn't talk. We both aired it all out over enough beer and weed to think everything was cool. After spending the weekend with him and coming home to Yosemite I didn't hear from him for a while. I finally sent a 'do-or-die' message. What exactly is going on between us?  and immediately his response was completely blown out of proportion, 'I don't want a girlfriend,' was his main point.

Guy #6: He is the last person on earth I should have brought into this complicated web. We were on-again off-again all summer. I asked him repeatedly to tell me if he was seeing other people and he always said "no." He allowed me to be open about the other men I was seeing, that's why I felt it extremely weird that he lied to me first hand before then spilling the truth like verbal diarrhea all over my perfect situation. That had to be called off and we are still good friends, I beat the truth out of him less often now.

Guy #7: I met him at my new job in the mountains, he is 7 years older than me but we have a lot in common and we cook a lot together. We have been seeing each other for 3 months or so, I've had dinner with his family a few times and we go out in public, so he likes me a little bit, I think. Finally the conversation had to come up about what we think of relationships and his response was literally "weary" and vague. "I like what we have going," means nothing. This brings in my pet peeve about telling the 'half-truth.' If you don't want a relationship at all because they are complicated, dramatic, or annoying, say it. Don't fall back on "I don't know" because you don't have the guts to say what you really mean, to protect what you think is me, but is really you. I went a long with it and that's where its been for weeks now. I've heard from other sources that he is a "commitment-phobe," which is common among people these days. 

This is where I make my point.

Hypothetically, if I had feelings for Guy #7 I would want to know if he was sleeping with other people. Not only to protect my emotional well being but also my sexual health. I don't think exclusivity is a bad thing to want to clarify. I have noticed a stigmata about women who ask for commitment or clarity from their sexual partners, often they are called "crazy" or "clingy," and left with unanswered texts and phone calls, just nothing. I'll never bring the subject up with him again because I am terrified he will contract one of those awful words and tell me that its "getting too serious" or maybe one day there will just be nothing. No text, no calls, just nothing. 

I am imaging my great grandparents and how they met at 19 and were married for decades. Was there such a thing as widespread "commitment phobia" back then? I at least hope my grandpa would have left a note or returned the message to tell the other girl he was in love with my grandma. Now it is so easy to simply ignore a text and it all goes away. You can end a relationship by never responding and it all goes away.  It is easier for people to not show up, cheat on their girlfriends, and float by without empathy. Men and women both take advantage of this, co-workers and roommates do this, I HAVE DONE THIS. It's easier but totally inconsiderate and low.

Maybe I am old fashioned and expect love to smash into me one day like it was as clear as a sunrise, but I do feel like the "dating" world has become unnecessarily complicated. Now when people are confronted in the real world, not through mobile face lighting devices, with real serious questions they have a tough time making eye contact, and telling the WHOLE TRUTH. I like to consider myself a highly rational and reasonable person, and any insightful one would know that telling the truth will set you free. 

Think rationally before you label a woman as "crazy" or "clingy," she may just want to know how to protect herself from someone who may not want to be monogamous, which can be agreeable in some cases. Don't let our generation be as selfish and thoughtless as the oldies think we are. 

    "Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter."

Ridiculous

Last night I had a dream that I went on a date with a friend. We had coffee, held hands, and had an awesome kiss. It has been over a year since I've felt special to someone and it feels like shit. I have been a serial dater since I can remember, being single was really cool at first, but not having that feeling in your soul that someone else is thinking of you, wants to sleep next to you every night, share adventures, is really sad actually.

I work in a harsh work environment full of smug men and bitchy women, coming home to that comfort and stability would be all I could ask for. But then again, knowing that the last relationship I was in was mostly lies, makes me want to sleep forever.

I have been in Yosemite for three months and it's been a very bumpy road. I saved money for a year to buy a car that broke down after a month, I borrowed a car from my parents that was then totaled by my roommate in less than a month. I live with mixed feelings in this house constantly and it is weighing heavy. The people here make the mountains feel like a different planet, most of them have no idea what life is like outside of this place and I find myself longing for things I can't have constantly.

Please, something, give me a fucking break. 

Ghost

I spent four days home in the Bay Area and I definitely did not want to come back here. My returned arrival was less pleasant than expected, but I should have expected that. I can't help but feel pushed around by the men in my life, at work, at my house. I am always wrong, too slow, or completely ignored. Maybe its not the fact that I am a woman, but the person I am entirely. I'm starting to unravel a little.

At work I've had to completely detach from the food and focus on the job. The quality of the product is absolutely disgusting and depressing. How can I love to cook food I would never eat? Not to mention the men I work with are going to great lengths to get me off of the line. The first few weeks I was there they all made jokes about how I'll be their supervisor one day, and now with 6 minute, sometimes 4 minute ticket times, I am "too slow." Every day is physically and mentally exhausting.

Daily routines are going back to being a struggle for me, I blame it on depression. The three months I was golden in the beginning of this year I woke up on time, feeling like I actually slept, I was eating on a schedule, I had things to do and I got them done. Its amazing how certain people and places can make you have a completely different mind-set. All this time I felt like I had gained all the weight back that I had lost, coming to find I haven't budged a number. When I was home in the Bay Area, I felt good and comfortable in my body again. What I see in the mirror changes depending on the attitudes around me and where my mind is at, its strange but makes sense.

I need a friend here, someone who has common interests and aspirations above themselves. Personally, I do love who I am and I am tired of people who think I need to change. All the angry unhappyness is apart of me just as much as my completely impulsive happyness is. I have always said, if you can't get angry at something, what are you fighting for?

"See things do come around,
and make sense eventually,
Things do come around,
but some things trouble me


The people I've met and the places I've been,
are all what make me the man I so proudly am,
But I want to know one thing, when did I become a ghost?
I'm most confused about the world I live in,
To think that I'm lonely well I probably am,
One thing that still gets me,
When did I become a ghost?"

On a sadder note;

I lost a friend this past week and death never sits well with me. We werent the best friends in the whole world but he was still someone I knew and worked closely with, he was a super dude, always good to me. Its sad for someone to lose their life at the age of 23, and still somehow it doesn't help me appreciate my own. RIP Burger, I know you're making some "on point" breakfast sandwiches in the stars.

Post Haste

My dear blogger, you are always here for me when I need you.

I've been in Yosemite an official month now, it doesn't feel much different from the first week. I'm still getting used to my new reality. I changed location and job again, which makes it feel like I'm living in new chapter in the book, and I'm not quite sure who I am in it yet. I've been letting past thoughts I'd ridden myself of, return, and it feels just as discouraging and heartbreaking as the first time. I filled my lonely thoughts for three months by excessively working and doing fitness things, I changed my eating habits and lost 20 pounds by the end of it. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've been to the gym and the thought of sitting the this house another day after work is really depressing.

Finally I made friends where I was and was regularly doing things, DATING, which was fun for a while. I'm here now, and I'm making excuses to sit in the house and get high instead of being creative with it and going outside. Now the house has this puppy, which I'm half expected to watch while they're at work or let it whine and piss behind a gate for 10 hours. It's been a rough work week, tomorrow is my Friday until I go to the Bay Area for four days tomorrow night. I get to see two of my favorite bands in the same four days and eat at a restaurant I've wanted to go to. Going home always clears my thoughts and puts my tunnel vision back into centered perspective.

I am craving attention from SOMETHING, someone, I can admit it.

Who cares

Six years of incessant bitching in this blog no one reads. I'd like to say things have changed since I was 16 but alas, my head is an imminent loop of garbage feelings and misfortune. Don't worry, there are good days, but this is the place I come to project my inner lament that is ever so present these days. I have failed to connect with anyone on a personal level in the last year I've been in California. The one person I thought had a chance turned out to be the unforgiving outline of the human I never wanted to know. Now we're best buds, I guess.

For a moment there I thought I'd lost my head into a spinning cesspool of bullshit that made me hate myself in the end. Sweet AMBIVALENCE! Never become someone you think someone else would want, it doesn't work. You learn that they are not the person you want, either.

It's hard to be friends with someone who thinks everything you love is stupid. Stupid is the unintelligent person's reaction to a lack of understanding or of caring at all. You realize they don't want to understand when they stop listening when you talk.

On the other hand, I have learned a great lesson, or two.

I moved again, this time to Yosemite to work at a Lodge that feeds 50,000 people a year. It's a very busy kitchen, it will be good to practice my speed and efficiency. But I'm alone in this beautiful house all the time, just the cats and I. Today makes it an official week at midnight, but it feels longer. I can't make phone calls from here, so there is that. Total isolation, total "immersion' as chef calls it. The place is breathtaking, the people in town are sickeningly nice, and I still hate it. I'm not meant for this mosey hokey pace. It's only one year, and then I'm out. Getting a two dollar pay raise, full time, with guaranteed overtime will help me get back to the un-affordable city I love so much.

A cook at my old job gave me some really good advice, albeit simple, it is true. "Just stay," he said, "when you feeling like giving up and going home, just stay, it gets easier." So here I am, staying against my own will.

EXCELSIOR

The Lapse

There has been a serious lapse in time here. I lost my computer charger in the move cross-country so there it is, my excuse.

Living in my own apartment is a kind of sanity I have always dreamed of. It feels like being in your teenage room, comfy, no loneliness at all. My job keeps me away most of the time, as it should. I couldn't ask for a better job, I feel like they are paying me to go back to school, I've been learning that much. Plus, I've met a lot of cool people, besides the asshole who stole my phone. So it goes..

My mental state has been in such a strange place lately. Maybe I'm thinking too much of it because I've never known what happiness feels like for more than a couple days. Everything pretty much fell into place when I got here with a job, the apartment, seeing family pretty often, all that was left was to clear my head. I am constantly searching for something wrong, I felt oddly uncomfortably comfortable when I broke into rage the other night over my stolen property, familiar feelings. I've been hanging out with someone who challenges everything that I am and everything that I've been, in a good way. If that makes any sense at all.

I don't want to say I regret anything, because regrets are only memories that you wish went differently but at least I've learned from most of them. It's 'unfortunate' that I have been in so many relationships, because now my love life is a joke to everyone. I always justify something new by calling it 'different' from the last, maybe it really is this time. He makes it easy for me to not think about the people who have hurt me in the past, because he is nothing like them, and that is all I can ask for. It's also nice to have a positive thinker around when I'm trying to be more of one. I have never been with someone who has been through such grief and overcome it, I like people with a story. I'm not asking to be shown the world through someone else's eyes, but it's nice to have different interests, he teaches me things and vice-versa. I think this is what is called a 'mutual-relationship'? I have been too busy trying to be in control. No one has ever pointed that out to me before. I have come to find that the person who you have chosen to love is a direct mirror of yourself, and it completely affects your well-being and choices.

As of now I am in a very clean state of mind, I don't even need to be high to go in public anymore. 

The Tunnel

Everything took a turn for the worst in the middle of my 'focused and moving forward' attitude. It's to be expected but never desired. Sadness makes me reckless, it makes it easier to control and focus my energy into forgetting. Someone I've known for over 6 years and felt close to called me an 'enigma' yesterday, perspective is an interesting thing.

13 days left to say goodbye to this place and these feelings. No more 'people-pleasing,' either. Something new I'm trying out.

There is no greater fear of mine other than death than to be controlled by another person. It is really damaging to a person like me. I am a negative person when it comes down to things but I do want happiness, rainbows, and butterflies, the whole lot. I can become so jaded by lust and what I think is love but I have to realize it on my own, right now, and feel stupid later. If honesty isn't enough, then there are no other questions, it's all I've got at this point. All I wanted out of this entire thing was to be close to you and your mind, at least I had it for a little while.

13 days left to pack and feel better. Don't Panic, Focus.


"the devil will find work for idle hands to do."

The Island

I have directed my complete attention to making my friends hate me over the last three weeks, apparently.
It's amazing to see the way people react when you don't give them what they want. When you fall out love, when you realize your friend is a complete waste, when you 'do you' for the time being. The last month has been a cluster of amazing bliss and confusing shit.

I sort of vanished for a while trying to forget about the important decision I had to make, and that upset people. I was constantly being texted, called, questioned by everyone. Why can't someone be alone for a while? When I say "I don't want to hang out today," there is no subtext of "I really actually want you to bombard me with phone calls until I do eventually give in and regret sitting around a table full of mindless insensitive assholes I only want to punch." I feel like people expect so much out of you as their friend. I expect nothing out of anyone and I think that is why it's so hard for me to grasp the concept.

The one person I could stand being around is gone now, not forever, but it seems like it when the end is left open. I never expected it to end without tears but I haven't felt this bad since right before graduation and right after, when everything just dissipated and I had no direction. Moving home will help me clear my head and distract me from the fact that I'm leaving my comfortable little corner of the world. I'm going to try and start running with my mom, help my Dad with the flower arrangement business he started with his friend, spend tons of time with my sister, and eat amazing food.

Last night I walked home with a random girl who is also going through some shit and we talked about life on our very short walk home. She hugged me and we wished each other luck. Why can't all of my interactions hold merit like this one? There is no room in my brain for petty conversation, I think too much.

My mom is coming to Albany May 20th and we're driving May 21st. Can't believe it.

The Head Spin

Right now I'm in the pits.

I have to decide whether or not to go home to California on June first, alone. It's stupid and unimportant so this won't be juicy, but thats the facts. I can either stay here through the rest of the year paying a ridiculous amount of money against my current financial ambition, for what feels like absolutely nothing mostly.

I feel like the people I connect to the most reject the hell out of my feelings most of the time. In one way or another. Maybe its just because when I meet someone I really like I want to squeeze the shit out of them until we're bored of each other and it's not fun anymore. I have never met anyone who was just cool with letting go at some point, is that weird? But five weeks is too soon, I always have such terrible timing. It is what it is and I am hoping that I will be so terrified of starting over new again that I won't feel my body digesting my heart.
This is me being grateful.

I've put my life on hiatus for over a week, but I did laundry today.

I am looking forward to spending my summer on the beach eating the best food in America, hanging out with my sister and most likely being reckless (hopefully) with Candace. (And also never being cold ever fucking again ever.)

I'm 80/20 right now. help.

The Ticking

I can't believe I'm going to reach the ripe age of 22 next month. My mom will most likely cry, like she does every year. Everything is in pieces right now, so I doubt the date will actually be much fun but the thought of it is lukewarm. It's a strange thing to be numb, I can so easily turn off one emotion and focus on another, subconscious-self-discipline. My chameleon-like tendencies are only going to help me in the long run.

Lately I have been feeling like an adult trapped in my 15 year old mind. I asked my grandma a few years ago if she feels '58' and she said no, she felt like she was a teenager still, and ever since then I can see the teen in her eyes. Now I feel like a 15 year old with this constant ticking in my ear, do you hear it too? Commitment is now the scariest thing in the world to me.

I wonder if I will ever be sane enough to keep my shit together for more than two years.

The Degrees

Isn't it strange how life can change in such short notice? It has been 80 degrees here, in March, for the last four days. I've been enjoying the park and barbecues with friends but the cold will cometh back soon enough, like tomorrow. I have a new job at another cafe, it pays the bills. In a sudden surprise ending, the owner of my old second home/cafe tragically died on his first motorcycle ride of the year. He was 38.

I'm glad the last true kitchen crew (without him) could come together for one last night at the spot. It was nice to see all the old customers and his dancin' friends...there is even hope of a re-opening. I feel like I'm the only person who he shared his true vision of the cafe with, start to finish. I was there opening day and left 2 weeks before the one year anniversary, I wish things ended better between us. His death smacked me in the face and his life taught me a lesson that you should never tell. In good faith...

Even this place isn't safe any more, dear ol' blog. But we carry on.

I can honestly say that a month ago I had a pretty bad idea of who my friends were. I've gotten to know some people from work who are really awesome, the kind of awesome that knocks on your door at midnight wasted and jumps in bed with you. And I've been getting to know someone I never thought I'd like. This house was fun while it lasted....but people let you down, always.

Connor and I are moving into a 2 bdrm until the end of the year so we can keep the kittens and not have to burden his Dad with them (at least this is my number one reason). California is the goal by 2013! All the pieces are in place it's just time to buckle down and save. I still have a few things to see before we go. We're planning my 22nd birthday/2 year anniversary trip to Portland, Maine for a weekend! I'm gonna get me some LOBSTA.

The Square One

I'm unemployed, again, this winter. There is a certain horizon in your mind when you realize someone has crossed it and there is no looking and no going back. I feel like I have been mistreated, mislead, completely and totally unappreciated. But I guess that's the way most jobs go. This was different though, because I dedicated the last year of my life to this business as a manager and now it all means nothing. Not because I was refused pay, or held accountable for every mistake, or the cold hard fact that we were rated 'worst coffee shop' in Albany behind Dunkin' Donuts. Talking down to your employees to make them feel like they are nothing just so you can walk all over them is not any way to do business. And all of those people who have complained the most about being incredibly mistreated are still working there because they either don't have the means, or the balls, to tell him to fuck off. I'm lucky to have someone by my side who will support my irrational decisions, simply out of love.

Apparently, taking all of my baking items and my recipes out of the place before I leave for 12 days isn't a big enough "I QUIT," because he's still texting Connor and I to work after I told him I'd never put up with his bullshit for minimum wage. You can't pay the rent? Let's just drop everyone's pay to minimum wage and see how many stick around. Not this guy.

The job I started before I left sucked and I haven't heard from them, so I'm off on a clean slate. All of this piracy protesting online has shut off my communication to the job world for today so I'm just sucking it up for now, getting my life back from vacation world and joining reality again (cleaning). At least this time I came back with good news and something to look forward to.

I finally have an opportunity to get back to California. My Uncle owns apartment complexes near my parents and is willing to offer me a place to stay for cheap until I get on my feet, which is all I could ever ask for. It's about an hour east of San Francisco which is far, but closer than I've been in the last 4 years. For now I just have to make ends meet until the car payment is done in September and then we're off. Finally a chance, finally a plan. I've dipped out of Albany life pretty much since I moved into our house with the only people I care to talk to, and I plan to keep it that way until I'm gone for good.

The Shit in the Fan

Things have been awful. I was puke sick on Christmas and cold sick on new years eve. I'm supposed to be leaving for California on Saturday, I was so excited and now I'm almost dreading it. The cafe seems to be indefinitely closing, and oh yeah, I'm not getting paid either. "There is no money" is not a valid excuse in my book. I don't want to get into this, I've been stewing about it for the last 3 days I feel like my head might explode. I'm writing because one of my dad's best friends from the beginning of eternity has just suddenly died this morning.

I've never dealt well with death, it's almost a denial thing. It just doesn't seem real enough to be dead. At such a young age, dying at 41 can only mean a human error of some sort. A patient being monitored for a fatty liver should be tested for every disease you could possibly think to be related, is this not apart of their job at hospitals anymore? Do they send out the bills without double checking their work? My dad's best friend is dead because someone was too fucking lazy and incompetent to do their job. How did no one no he had diabetes? His body was swollen, his pancreas, kidneys and liver were swollen. He died in a medical induced diabetic coma from internal bleeding that they couldn't find the source of. And I bet in less than three weeks there will be a medical bill waiting in his mourning parent's mail box.

I'm leaving for California on Saturday, a trip that was supposed to be about giving my parents a break from all the grief in their daily lives. Now I have to watch my entire family and friends go through their mourning period because someone fucked up and killed my dad's friend. He had the best laugh, he was always smiling, and everyone is going to notice when they don't hear that laugh at the next get together. I hope someone is held responsible for Kaiser hospital's 1,000,000th mistake. They almost killed my grandpa 2 years ago, if it wasn't him it would be someone else.

You never know that the last time you say good bye would be the last time forever.

The Finale

I'm sorry, it's been long and nothing has changed. Only ideas amplified with research and data, researching the data. A friend of mine is planning on going to graduate school in Brooklyn next fall and hell or high water I think I'm going with her. We both have boyfriends who are making plans to attend, but with or without that's where I have to be. The prices for living aren't nearly as ridiculous as I thought, no worse than in California, that is definite. There is so much opportunity for anyone in that zoo, especially in my position now with 'management' experience and almost 3 years of steady sweat and bloodied kitchen work.

 I know going there will throw me to the sharks at the bottom of the deep oiled ocean, I will be nothing, yet again. But all of this 'managing' is exactly what everyone has ever said about being 'the' manager. Bullshit overflowith in my tea cup of life on a daily basis. I'm solidly convinced 90% of people on earth have a mental handicap/lack common sense entirely/are subconsciously evil.  But who really knows where I'll be next summer, this is only my best idea yet.

I'll be going back home in January for a week and I'm keeping it a secret from my younger proteges just to watch them pee themselves in public! I didn't say I was excused from being 'subconsciously evil.'

Work has bit the fucking big one and I hate it, I'm avoiding it now even in my own head. I'm letting things roll off of my back, trying to anyway. It is sometimes (most of the time) difficult to work with and also respect someone so demanding and completely irrational at the same time. He writes my paychecks and is pretty cool for the other 50% of the work day. You give and take, sometimes you've just got to take some shit for a little while to get ahead. 

The Confusion

I don't know where my head is at today. Some days I wake up and feel like my life is totally on track and I know where I'm going and what I'm doing here and other days I feel like strangling myself and saying 'WHY?! WHY ALBANY?!' This place is wearing me down, mostly because I'm stuck here until I figure out something better to do. I'm still going along with this plan to buy the middle-of-nowhere farmhouse with acreage, but I find myself second guessing what my life will be like in 5 years. I find myself second-guessing my settling into being old at 21 years.

      I don't want to stay out late, get all fucked up, and take all kinds of hallucinogens, this is not what I mean by 'something more.' The trouble is I don't know what I actually want to be doing. My career has consumed my life completely, which was the goal after graduating culinary school, but I wonder how long this will last? How long will I be able to put up with the complete bullshit, long hours, and migraine inducing customers?

      This is going to sound utterly insane but I only really feel totally comfortable when I'm alone at home with my cats. I've been through so many changes over the last 21 years I guess I never really stuck to "doing me," I've always had a boy in my life in some way, and when I wasn't with them I was at home hanging out by myself writing or doing some kind of art. This is the only place I write now, and there is no time to be doing art. Where will I keep it? Hang it? Will my roommates like it? Life is so different now but I feel the same as when I started writing here. My responsibilities are different but still the same pain in the ass. Will I ever be content? Will I ever be truly happy?

   I almost wish there was something wrong in my relationship with Connor to have something to complain about, a reason to take-off and 'do me' with my cats. It's so right that its at the wrong time. It sends me (cliche much?) to Blue Valentine, a move with Ryan Gosling and Michele Williams, you shouldn't watch it unless you feel like crying.

     "I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around."


      Why is it that I have everything I wanted a year ago and I am still searching for 'prince-charming' in life? I wish someone would slap me. Five years ago I was planning my fame lit fashion design career and now we're talking farm and babies. I've put my trust in the wrong people and taken such huge losses over the past 3 years that I don't even know which way to look up. Wanting both is the shittiest shit, I hate being a Gemini sometimes.

The point of this is that there has always been someone else in my life that has kept me from 'doing me' and I'm afraid I'll never get to experience this until I've realized its too late, I'm too old, and I have too many responsibilities paining in my ass. But why would I let go of something so right at the most confusing time?

The One Time

Okay so I know it's horrible to brag about your salary, but this is the one place where no fucks is given and it's been that place in my life since junior year in high school. My generation is so weird...

I'm not by any means swimming in money, I'm just comfy. I haven't been comfy with money at all, ever, since I started working and paying bills. I've always been behind and for the first time I am ahead, and it feels great. Working 7 days a week isn't so bad either, I've gotten used to it by now, plus I get every other Monday off too. And when I'm sick I still get paid the same amount, and I've also got this cool new thing I found out about at the vet called Care Credit its basically health insurance on a credit card up to a certain amount of course. Its awesome for poor people with pets because you can use it at the vet and for yourself, there is no interest unless you make a late payment.  I've also been able to get a regular credit card finally, since this September I've been paying my phone bill for a year and my student loan for 2 years. I'm trying to build up to buy an iMac. Connor was right, this whole credit thing is like a game, except when you fail, it sucks really bad.





I still have yet to even mention to my mom that I might be staying in New York, especially with news about my grandparents moving back to California. Why does everyone I love have to live in the most unreasonably priced (and awesome) place in this country? I would love nothing more to be near all of that delicious food and the chilly beach and common grounded nerds, but I'm afraid of leaving my 'comfy' space to go back to being below the poverty line and not able to do anything cool anyway. I'll have to buy a car, I'll have to buy insurance, I'll have to pay to even get over there and then hunt for a place that has an apartment with a kitchen in my price range. It seems utterly ridiculous to think I'll be buying a house in New York, because getting here was a mistake. If I hadn't met Connor I would've gone home a long time ago.

Someone asked me a few years ago what I liked to do and I had no answer, absolutely none. I was 18, only three years ago, but it feels like the whole world has spun a million years since then. Now I know what I value and found someone else who wants what I want, I want to live a life of sustainability. Doesn't that sound so epic? That should be my climactic one-liner at the epicenter of my book. But really, I want to work my land and take care of my house, garden organically, have chickens for eggs and only ONE damn rooster 'cause they are the scariest alpha males. We've been talking about fostering animals and animal rescuing (when I say 'we've' I must be talking about me with myself, I've only mentioned it twice out-loud). There will be cooking, TONS of cooking, re-arranging, wall-paper ripping parties. Friends, you are welcome.




There cannot be any more pure a form of 'comfyism' than living in the country.

The Wait

It's been too long, dear old blog, I almost forgot all about you. Since we came back from California my life has been a total mess. I got a promotion at the cafe to Kitchen Manager/Partner, I deal with a whole lot more bullshit but the menu, specials, details, are mine. All mine. I've never been in charge before so it's been pretty stressful. Rallying your troops (inefficient employees) to actually work is the hardest part, I feel like a broken record. I see every eye roll, every scoff, I don't even care anymore. I have had to work at being a persistent bitch to everyone and it sucks, but it's really whats best. If you aren't, shit doesn't get done, plain and simple. I have a boss too though, so while I'm sometimes shitting on other people there is other shit to be shat upon me, constantly. I guess I don't work so well under stress, but I have yet to feel like I can't do it. I have certainly felt like I don't want to do it, but everyone does sometimes. Oh and my kitty is pregnant with more kitties (I'm necessarily upset about this, but I am stressing hard.)

People are giving me a hard time again, I don't want to be around them. At all. Connor and I are considering buying his parents home in a scenic county at least an hour away from any bullshit in Albany. 75,000$ for a 4 bedroom farmhouse with 7 acres. Seven acres of complete solitude. Chickens, dogs, pigs, we could have it all. I'm torn between being miserably poor near my family in California or eternally happy in exactly what I want, 3,000 miles away from anything connected to me since birth. Why can't I just have them both? In life you make decisions, most of them suck.

The Best

One of the benefits of Albany being small is that you can always count on getting to know someone by asking the people around you what they know, and they're usually right. I always welcome first impressions, even if you don't feel like giving me one. If you can't project yourself according to who you are, then who the fuck are you? The guest should not forgo manners just because they are not the host, people are still judging you. How else can you judge someone who doesn't speak, except by their actions? When you assault someone in my home you are essentially ridding yourself of my respect by not being able to have the human decency to control your actions, drunk or sober, you are a disrespectful bitch.

WELL, now that this is all out of the way.

5 more days until California! It doesn't even feel real, having been here for two years non-stop also seems unreal to me at this point. I've kept in such close contact with my immediate family I feel like we've been anticipating this trip since I was 18. Things have changed in my 'adult' mind and I'm really looking forward to long talks with my mother, just us two. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to someone who I feel like could love me no matter what I've done or what I'm about to say. My feelings towards my father have changed as well as towards my step-father.

Getting to know Connor has led me to so many conclusions about my own life and my past, for the better. We both grew up on the opposite sides of the discipline spectrum but in retrospect, our lives have so much in common. I won't go into detail, I'll spare you the sap story, but I really do feel like in my parents mind they felt like they were protecting me all those years while in actuality they were fueling my anger and resentment for punishing me for ridiculous things. I did feel, and still do feel like the black sheep of the family and I don't think this will change until people in my family start being honest with me and themselves. We never were the perfect family, we never will be because people make mistakes. All I want you to do is look in the mirror and discontinue the cycle, for my siblings sake.

I grew up hating myself and not feeling good enough because of the constant dramatized discipline, 1 minute late was 1 week locked in my house, a B+ could've been an A, but I just wasn't. The American dream is dead for those who were not born into the top one percent, we should stop shoving achievements up every child's ass and start teaching them common sense. Maybe we should pay less attention to being an 'A' and pay more attention to being what you are, that must make me a pretty content B+.

The Worst

Hands down the worst part about being an adult is being in debt. It seems like the way credit goes in this country, you have to first be in debt to make an name for yourself. Too bad I haven't even been given the chance to make the mistake, I don't have enough credit debt to be get more credit. Crazy. You'd think it'd be the opposite, I know I'd never want to lend money to someone who already has debt.

I have started borrowing money out of the iPod fund, (which got stolen a few months ago when we were moving along with the hand truck, I hate you Albany) which is now empty, and I borrowed money out of my California fund to buy drugs. Ahh, priorities. When I get back from vacation my first move is to pay back all of my debt. And the shitty part about all this is that if someone just gave me a chance I could've been borrowing money from some asshole in a suit who will sign me off in a year as an official "fee and interest customer," and then I will be able to buy the computer I've been trying to get for the last year.

I seem to be just taking the long route by picking up small bills every once in a while that count as credit. I pay my student loan, a cell phone plan in my name, and as of recently the internet at our new house. I guess the important thing is that I'm not fucking up my credit, which really tends to bite you in the ass later in life when people refuse to give you things or do things for you because of it. I could seriously damage my chances of getting an apartment in California because there are 1000000 people there who would make the payments on time.

Blah, the way things work is just so depressing. I'm glad I wasn't old and saw the world turn into this, I was just born here, I'm not responsible. I do believe however that it is the younger generation's responsibility to fix all of this up when all the old people can't tell us what to do anymore, because they'll all be dead.

The Chance

Here I am! A brief moment in time to reflect on this week's improvements.

I started a personal journal, and when I mean personal, I mean not on the internet. After going back to read posts from years ago and having most of my personal life on display in metaphors since the sixth grade (all the way back at Xanga, wow.), I've decided to keep some things to myself. There are just some things that need to be said and not heard by anyone else...if you're following me.

"We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting." -Charles Bukowski

I am beginning to become disgusted with every single person I come in contact with. I shouldn't say beginning, because I've hated people forever, clearly. Albany really is a huge shit hole, but I've been here for the last two years so I can't tell whether it's everywhere or just New York. The other morning I was walking to work and a crazy homeless man was literally hurling text books at me from across the street, on a main intersection! I've never been afraid of the homeless anywhere else, there are more crazies here than I've ever seen in one place. This morning in the store-front someone left a wrapper from a blunt and an empty liquor bottle from the night before, I wouldn't be surprised if they we're camping out front all night.

I have seen police officers arrest numerous people for the most insane reasons here. A homeless man who is randomly stopped and ID'd on Lark St. (bar central) asks for a reason why he's being detained and is arrested after he throws his hands in the air in frustration. Just the other day we watched a police car pull up to a bus stop and just start asking for identification from everybody, when we drove back 15 minutes later there were 3 minorities in hand-cuffs. New York is hands down the most racist state I have ever lived in.

I am getting so depressed, at a time in my life when I just started to see the world in a brighter hue. I need to stop reading the news. As much as I like to be informed, all they have to say is bad news. There is so much hatred, anger, and resentment in every person no wonder why we all suck. If we quit being assholes to each other, there would be nothing to resent, but unfortunately it's a vicious cycle. In the end you can only help yourself.

How can you expect to see change in your world when you're sitting on your ass complaining about your life? I fell into this hole for so long. Someone once wrote to me on this blog; "Don't let yourself fall back into old habits." And every time I feel my old feelings of wanting to crawl into my cave, I tell myself that little diddy. You come to realize that you do make your own happiness. Even when life hands you a pile of shit on your walk to work, you can chose to walk through it or walk around it and continue on with your day. I am not letting tiny or HUGE piles of dog shit interfere with my happiness. So far, it's been working out for me.

If you can't live with all of the negativity in the world, you best make a positivity bubble around yourself. (<---inventing words/objects again) No one is going to do your dishes, your laundry, or pay your fucking bills, you shouldn't waste your life sitting around waiting for someone else to come and fix it.